Claire: [aside to camera] Walt, our elderly next door neighbor, died. He and Luke were pretty close, so we have to tell him. I'm a little nervous about it.
Phil: I think we should break it to him slowly.
Claire: Like how?
Phil: Well, first we'd say, "Luke, your friend Walt has a cold. You shouldn't go over there." Next day, "Bad news. Walt's in the hospital, but he's still cracking jokes with the nurses." Next day, "They're trying an experimental drug. Fingers crossed." Next day, "His body rebelled. He's in a coma." Next day, he rallies. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, coma. Next day, eye flutter.
Claire: Stop. Just stop. Stop.

Mitchell: Oh, I missed a call from my dad.
Cameron: Oh, let me guess. Is he calling to cancel? What's his excuse this time?
Mitchell: You know, that's a really mean thing to assume, Cam. I really wish you'd give my dad a break for once.
Cameron: Oh, please. You know Jay doesn't like my dad. He thinks he's some bumpkin from the sticks. Well, I will have you know that Merle Stonewall Tucker is one of the most respected farmers in all of Hell's Hollow, Missouri.
Mitchell: Okay, you're not hearing yourself.

Jay: Sometimes I think you treat my son like the woman in their relationship.
Merle Tucker: What?
Jay: Like those watches. Cam's was all big and manly. The other one looked like something Grace Kelly would wear.
Merle Tucker: Well, that's just because Mitch has a more slender wrist than Cam does. That's all.
Jay: It's skinny, not slender. And you're honestly telling me you don't cast Mitch in the more ladylike role?
Merle Tucker: Are you saying Cam is the wife in this deal?
Jay: I don't think about it that way. It's not like it was in our day. Husband went out to work. Wife stayed home with the kids.
Merle Tucker: That sounds like a clever way of saying yes.
Jay: Fine. They're both equal. Neither one is the wife.
Merle Tucker: Yeah. Yeah. I know that in my head. It's just that it makes me feel a tiny bit better to think that the person he's spending his life with is a tiny bit of a woman.
Jay: I get it. Every time I start to feel comfortable with this thing, some new part comes up I gotta wrap my head around.
Merle Tucker: Yeah, I guess we got no choice.
Jay: Yep. We got two sons, and they're gay for each other.