Phil: [knocks] What's the most dangerous type of uranium cake? Yellow!

Phil: [answering FaceTime] What's the best first-person shooter about genetically-modified space marines? Halo!

Haley: Mom heard us say we were bored.
Phil: Suckers.
Alex: She heard us from outside.
Haley: She has super good hearing, like a seeing eye dog. They have overdeveloped hearing to make up for the fact that-- Wait, the dogs aren't blind. Wait. Are they? No, that wouldn't make sense.
Alex: You're right. If I wait long enough, she can get there by herself.

Cameron: It's perfect! It's our chance to have a baby that's part me, part you!
Mitchell: No, no! It's part you and part Claire. I'm nowhere in there. And it's not like I can pretend. It's- She's not some egg donor that we don't know. It's Claire. You know, we see her all the time. And what are we supposed to tell the baby? "Say hi to your Aunt Mommy!"
Cameron: Adorable.
Mitchell: No, not adorable. Appalachian.

Claire: Oh! Oh, thank God. Nobody's dead.
Luke: Or we're all dead.
Claire: How many plates did we lose?
Alex: None. Luke and Haley used cookie sheets to clear a path through the marbles for me.
Claire: Where are the marbles?
Haley: Right here.
Claire: Oh, Haley!
Haley: I put glue on them so it doesn't happen again.
Claire: What about the chair?
Luke: Leon and I rolled it outside on some skateboards.
Claire: Oh. The squirrel?
Alex: You think I was going to let that happen?
[aside to camera:]
Claire: These kids are going to survive. They are the best of me and Phil. Luke using the skateboards, Haley gluing the marbles, that is pure Phil. Alex keeping everyone in line, pure me. Sometimes I worry no one's gonna like Alex.