Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Cameron: So the fog was rolling in over the mountains like an ominous blanket as we readied the giant slingshot. You know, Lorna, the pastor's daughter, she was nervous because like I said, it was after curfew. She was a goody two-shoe. Only pastor's daughter I ever met that was. So we finally launch the pumpkin, and it sails through the air, goalpost to goalpost. Past the end zone, into the parking lot, through the open roof of Lorna's dad's car. I turn to Cody and I say, "Now what are the chances of that landing there?" He says, "Where?" And I say "The sunroof of a preacher man." [silence]
Mitchell: Wah-wah.

Phil: Wait, what's my favourite hospital food?
Luke: Ummm.
Phil: [answering phone] Jell-o!

Phil: You know what Kenneth told me? The secret to his success: His whole career, he's tried to emulate me. The only difference is, he hasn't had someone constantly telling him what not to do.
Claire: So the only reason we don't have a- a blimp tethered to our mailbox is because I'm always shooting down your great ideas?
Phil: Yeah.
Claire: Let's review the squelch pile, Phil. Let's see. The rice pudding franchise.
Phil: Works for all chewing abilities.
Claire: Adult tricycles.
Phil: Just try to fall off.
Claire: The aspirin gun.
Phil: Some people have a hard time swallowing!