Jay: [aside to camera] Gloria's always saying we should do more stuff together. So I agreed to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
Gloria: "Fuego y hielo."
Jay: Which apparently, is Spanish for "big hair and yelling."
Gloria: "Fire and ice." It's about human suffering. I relate to it.
Jay: I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can put a shirt on.

Cameron: Wouldn't it be great if we woke up tomorrow and our car had found its way home?
Mitchell: Yeah, I feel that's not the way it's gonna happen.
Cameron: Happened on the farm one time. A tornado scooped up one of our calves, dropped it who knows where. Six months later, a full-grown cow comes walking up the driveway same markings, same moo. That night, we-
Mitchell: We ate like kings.
Cameron: Okay, I've told it before. Oh, my gosh! It's our car!
Guy: I see you've met my wife.

Claire: [aside to camera] Phil is taking Haley to visit his Alma Mater.
Phil: Loved college.
Claire: Mm, we were hoping some of that enthusiasm rubs off on her. Go, bullfrogs!
Phil: Dogs. Bulldogs. I feel like you do that on purpose.
Claire: No, it's just I say "bull, " and I can't remember if it's frogs or dogs.
Phil: When I talk to my old friends from college, do we croak or do we bark?