Alex: Dad, your phone's been buzzing like crazy.
Phil: Sweet Lorna Doone. Nineteen missed calls? I wonder who's... [answering phone] Phil Dunphy. You saw the ad? Great. Do you know what you're looking for? The little one. I think I know which one you're talking about. Um, if you're interested, I also have an older model with a lot of character. What? I think the carpet matches the drapes. I haven't checked in a while. Both of them? Wow. Well, I guess that makes sense if you're planning to flip one. Listen, um, why don't I call you back? We'll set up an appointment. It will give me a chance to give them both a good scrubbing. All right. Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Luke: Looking great, Dad.
Phil: With these steps, I break the surly bonds- Chicken in a basket! Don't look at me.

Guillermo: Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
Jay: How ya doin', sport?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: I didn't know who that was. I never do. At least once a month, I find a total stranger sitting in my kitchen. Gloria collects every kind of stray looking for work, money you name it. She's got a big heart. It's the one thing I'd like to change about her.

Phil: [aside to camera] See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire. If you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids. They saved their parents' lives. You think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time?

Claire: Oh, my God. This bathroom is disgusting. The girls told me they would clean it days ago. I can't yell at them about it one more time. You handle it.
Phil: I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards.
Claire: What was good about Luke's report card?
Phil: He didn't lose it.