Claire: Well, Clive, I am just a bored housewife with a dark side and an hour to kill.
Phil: Is that what I think it is?
Claire: It's not a gift card. Or maybe it is. I'll be upstairs, Clive. Don't take too long.
Phil: I never do.

Jay: I had a whole private dinner planned. I don't know what happened.
Gloria: But I do. [opens garage] I know exactly what happened!
Jay: No, you don't. l- What the hell?
Gloria: I win! I see you sneaking around, trying to trick me. So when I figure it out, I move the party over here and I trick you! I win!
Jay: What do you mean, you win?
Gloria: I know you think I think you're not romantic but I think you think I'm not smarter than you. So now we know. You are romantic, and I'm smarter than you. And I bought you a motorcycle.
Jay: My God. It's fantastic!
Gloria: I win again!
Jay: Honey, I love all this, but you can't win Valentine's Day. I mean, you defeat the whole idea if you make it into some silly competition.
Gloria: Shut up. I win.

Phil: Valentine's Day isn't over yet, Juliana.
Claire: Sweetie, let's not push it. You almost got arrested tonight.
Phil: That's how it's gonna be? You're just givin' up on us?
Claire: I am not giving up on us. I'm giving up on Clive and Juliana.
Phil: Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know a couple people who could possibly save this night.
Claire: Hmm.
Phil: Maybe you've heard of 'em. Two American kids doing the best that they can. Phil and Claire Dunphy.