Cameron: I am so sorry. I am so sorry. No, just come over. We'll watch a movie, put the whole thing behind you. Okay, see you in a bit. That was Longinus. He's in a very bad place.
Mitchell: Oh, no. What happened?
Cameron: Well, apparently some maniac went crazy at the mall and attacked him with Oasis for Men.
Mitchell: Oh, well, I think we all knew that day was coming.

Mitchell: There's a whole section on biting on this mommy forum.
Cameron: Oh, good. What does it say?
Mitchell: "My son was biting, so I got a stranger to yell at him. Being disciplined by someone else outside the family scared him into stopping."
Cameron: Idiots!
Mitchell: Cam.
Cameron: I am not hiring some hobo to come over here and traumatize my child. She's already prone to flashbacks, if you know what I mean.
Mitchell: Okay, you know she didn't fight in Vietnam, right?
Cameron: I don't know anything anymore.

Mitchell: He's probably just confused. You know who I bet did it, though? Billy. Rhymes with "Lily." Plus, he is very aggressive.
Cameron: His babysitter is right over there. She's- She's not much of a disciplinarian. Because I can assure you if our child did something like this we would be on her like white on rice. And I know that sounds a little bit like a racial slur because we're white and she presumably likes rice but I didn't intend it that way.