Luke: Hey, Dad, I think I found a place online where I can sell this organ. Can you drive me to the black market?
Phil: I think they mean a different kind of organ, buddy.

Claire: Boy, I wish Haley would date some other boys.
Phil: What's that you say, Mrs. Robinson?
Claire: Don't.

Jay: [on the phone] I'm sorry, but I gotta have lunch with my wife today. I know, baby, but I had to marry her so she could stay in the country.
Gloria: Oh, no. Where am I gonna find another husband that wears sweatpants to work?
Jay: Resort wear.
Gloria: Mm-hmm. Maybe last resort.