Jay: Ah, this is ridiculous. You're both uptight about everything. You didn't want to go to a wedding with him because you didn't want to make small talk? That's how I met Gloria. Do you remember the first thing I said to you?
Gloria: Yes. "I like chocolate, I like fruit, but not together."
Jay: You couldn't come up with that, lvy League? And you. You would be a lot happier if you weren't so obsessed with everything being perfect. Look at us here all in white. What are we, a cricket team? News flash. Life is not perfect, Claire. Now calm the hell down.

Phil: Kobe! Kobe, over here!
Kobe Bryant: What can I do for you?
Phil: Do you like being a basketball player?
Kobe Bryant: Serious?
Phil: I choked. I didn't think you'd look up here at me.
Kobe Bryant: Little preparation next time. It's a mental game.
Phil: Duly noted.

Cameron: [answering phone] Hello?
Mitchell: There is a pigeon in our house. What do I do? What do I do?
Cameron: Who is this?
Mitchell: Never funny. Not funny now.
Cameron: Calm down. You know I grew up around many animals. One time, a rooster attacked me, and my mom wrung its neck, and we had it for dinner.
Mitchell: Great time for an anecdote. Help me.
Cameron: It's more afraid of you than you are of it.
Mitchell: Pigeons aren't scared of anything. They stand on electrical wires.