Phil: He's not going home? He's never been away from my mom for longer than a doctor's appointment.
Claire: Honey, I know. I told you.
Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers. It turns out I'm one of 'em. It's a miracle I didn't end up a stripper.

Gloria: What were you thinking? Who takes a little boy to a horror movie? That's loco, Jay.
Jay: This is no big deal. You want scary? When I was his age, I lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis. I slept with a butter knife under my pillow in case I had to fight some Soviet colonel.
Gloria: Why would they send a Soviet colonel to get a little boy?
Jay: Because I could identify every commie plane.

Jay: [aside to camera] One of the greatest days of my life was when my old man sprung me from school and took me to the track. I wanted to do the same type of thing for Manny, plus I figured when Gloria heard about it, maybe it pays off in the bedroom. I wonder if that's why my old man did it. Oh, crap.