Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Gloria: Ay, good morning, papi.
Manny: Is it?
Gloria: Ay, you're still sad because of that audition.
Manny: That part was mine. I was born to play Tevye. Instead they give it to Rod Jackson? What does he know from suffering?

Alex: Hey, Luke. Big day for you, huh?
Luke: Why?
Alex: Because you will get to meet your real mom.
Luke: What? [scoffs]
Alex: We all made a pact we'd deny it until you turned 21. But that's the real reason Dad's old girlfriend's coming over. She's your mom, and if she likes you, you'll go live with her.
Luke: I'm not adopted. I'm asking Mom.
Alex: You mean Mrs. Dunphy? She's not going to tell you the truth.

Manny: Turtle, reptile, pet. Shel Turtlestein was many things. [exhales] I don't think I can do this without crying. Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Gloria: Well, we wanna hear it. Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember?
Jay: "Shel Turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. When I didn't get a date with Fiona Gunderson, Shel was there. When I didn't get to play the part of Tevye, Shel was there. And when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, Shel was there. I said a lot of things to my friend, but the one thing I never got to say was good-bye."