Phil: [aside to camera] I'm a cool dad. That's my thang. I'm hip. I surf the web, I text. LOL, Laugh Out Loud, OMG, Oh My God, WTF, Why The Face. You know, I know all the dances to High School Musical, so...

Claire: [aside to camera] I was out of control growing up. There, you know, I said it. I just don't want my kids to make the same bad mistakes I made. If Hayley never wakes up on a beach in Florida, half-naked I've done my job.
Phil: Our job.
Claire: Right. I've done our job.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Manny is very passionate, just like his father. My first husband is very handsome, but too crazy. It seemed like all what we did was fight and make love. Fight and make love. Fight and make love. One time, I'm not kidding you, we fell out of the window together.
Jay: Which one were you doing? I'm hearing this for the first time!