Phil: [aside to camera] Father-in-laws are tough, because you can't let 'em push you around and you also have to show them respect. It's like walking a tightrope. Which, by the way, I can do, because I went to trapeze school. Did Jay? I doubt it.

Alex: Mom, I am so, so sorry. I know it's no excuse, but I've been feeling a lot of pressure at school. You know, with friends. And I love you so much, and I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm still your little girl.
Claire: Oh, honey! That was so sweet.
Alex: Can I get $20? A bunch of us are going to a movie, and we're gonna get something to eat afterwards. Jenna's brother's gonna take us home.
Claire: Okay. Of course. Sweetie, you know what? Take 40.
Alex: Oh, my gosh.
Claire: Yeah. That's right.
Alex: Thanks, Mom.
Claire: Go on. Have a great time. [loudly] Oh, Alex, honey? When you're out shopping, you might wanna pick yourself up a training bra. I know you don't need one now, but your little boobies are gonna come in soon. Mommy loves you, kitten! Mwah! Mwah! [to herself] Teach her to screw with me.

Phil: [v.o.] What's my coaching philosophy? Give a kid a bird and he becomes one of those weird dudes who walks around with a bird on his shoulder. But give him a pair of wings, he can fly. Unless he has absolutely no hand-eye coordination.