Phil: Okay, buddy, we're gonna need you on the front lines sooner than expected. You ready to be cute?
Luke: Please.
Phil: Go get 'em.
Luke: [hugging Claire] Hi, Mommy. My tummy's growling. Can I have some "pas-ghetti"?
Claire: Sweetie, you're hurting me. And take a shower tonight. Your hair smells like cheese. [doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Luke: [to Phil] Okay, I need a giant lollipop, and I need it now.

Claire: I just don't understand why you invited him to my house.
Dede: Because he's an old friend. What was I gonna do, not invite him?
Claire: Yes. Yes.
Dede: Sweetheart, I don't know about you, but that is not the way I was raised.
Claire: You raised me.

Gloria: "And then the baby bear said"
Manny: "Good night, Mama. Good night, Papa. This has been the best day ever."
Gloria: "And after she kissed her parents good night, she drifted off to sleep. The end."
Manny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. She? Baby Bear's a girl? We have to do it over. I would've played it totally different.
Jay: I think you nailed it.
Manny: And what's that supposed to mean?

Phil: [aside to camera] Halfway through dinner, I told Claire that whenever she had the urge to lash out at her mother she should just squeeze my hand instead. A doctor had to cut off my wedding ring.

Phil: I used to think your mother loved me. Apparently, she always wished you'd married Robbie.
Claire: Oh, no, sweetie. This was all about her trying to annoy me.
Phil: Come on, she's practically walking you two down the aisle.
Claire: Oh, he left his phone.
Phil: All those Mother's Day cards I sent her. All those joke e-mails she forwarded to me months after I'd already seen 'em. Well, no more polite L.O.L.'s for you, Dede.

Jay: What the hell is she doing? He's half her age. Don't say it.
Gloria: I think it's sweet. Love is beautiful. It has no age. When it's meant to be, it's meant to be. That is the question.
Claire: Dad, what's going on over there?
Jay: She was a little nervous about your mother being here so she tried her first Xanax, washed it down with a shot of tequila.

Princess: There's the birthday girl.
Cameron: Glitter? That'll settle in her lungs. So I wanted to ask what method of payment you prefer? Cash, credit card, check?
Princess: Why, princesses don't get paid, except maybe in laughter and sparkles.
Cameron: That's nice. But I really need to know.
Princess: All I ask is that a little girl's birthday wishes [singing] come true.
Cameron: Miss, seriously, if you wanna get paid, I need-
Princess: Fine. You can make the check out to Party Stars, Incorporated.
Cameron: Never break character! Never ever!
Princess: But-
Cameron: But nothing!

Cameron: When I was a clown, my shoe caught on fire and one of my fellow clowns put me out with a bucket of flammable confetti.
Princess: What's happening?
Cameron: Even as they loaded me into the ambulance I continued to make balloon animals.
Mitchell: Flammable confetti?
Cameron: There was a seltzer bottle right there!

Mitchell: So much for keeping it all about Lily.
Cameron: Well, yeah, and I certainly didn't help by berating that perfectly sweet journeyman princess like I did.
Mitchell: God, look at this place. Everybody's traumatized. We need somebody to pump some life back into this party.
Cameron: I got this. I'll go in and turn on some music, bring out the cupcakes, pump up the bubble machine.
Mitchell: Or...
Cameron: Is that a roundabout way of saying a certain clown can come to the party?
Mitchell: I was wrong. Every kid wants a clown for a dad.
Cameron: Oh! You just made a little girl very happy.
Mitchell: Yes. Well, I can see that.

Gloria: [recorded] "And then Papa Bear said"
Jay: [recorded] "Baby and I are going fishing."
Cameron: This is such a precious gift.
Mitchell: I know. I can't believe my dad sat down and did this.
Cameron: Keep going.
Gloria: [recorded] Jay, pay attention. It's your line.
Jay: [recorded] I just had a damn line. Manny, freshen this up for me.
Gloria: [recorded] No. No more drinks until we finish this.
Jay: [recorded] Who cares? Cam's just gonna return it anyway.
Mitchell: Cue gasp.
Cameron: [gasp]