Brad: I can't believe how much we have in common. Daughters the same age, you both played football. You know, an ex-teammate of mine is a coach for the Chargers. He can get us right on the field. You just have to watch where you stand, 'cause you could end up under a wide receiver.
Cameron: Okay, stop selling! I'm in!

Gloria: It's amazing how well you've been doing selling Aunt Miranda's hot sauce. I don't want to tell you how much money I have lost trying to sell it over here.
Jay: I wouldn't mind having an exact figure...

Claire: [aside to camera] Sheryl McCray, powerhouse real-estate developer. I've been trying to land her closet business for years, but it's impossible to get a meeting. This article, though, says where she buys a latte every Saturday at 10:00. Today, I'm gonna buy that latte, we'll get to talking, and before you know it, she'll be buying a "latte" closets.

Mitchell: So, um, I didn't know you were a museum lover.
Cameron: Oh, well, yeah, before you and I started dating, I used to go to the museum all the time. I'm not blaming you, of course.
Mitchell: You know that the Hollywood Wax Museum isn't an actual...

Cameron: Okay, what about you, Rocky? You get winded taking towels upstairs.
Mitchell: Well, that's because after we met - not blaming you- um, I sort of... I tapered off a little bit. To focus on the relationship. But this is good.
Cameron: Yeah.
Mitchell: Us getting back to our roots. You know, enjoy the museum.
Cameron: Yeah, enjoy your run.
Mitchell: I will. You haven't, by chance...
Cameron: They're still in the box.
Mitchell: Back of the closet?
Cameron: Uh-huh.

Manny: Hey, look at this. That's Sonia's fiancé, right? It says he's from one of the richest families in Colombia.
Jay: I knew the guy was all right.
Manny: Oh, I see. Being rich makes you "all right."
Jay: That's not what I meant. Your mom thought he might be a gold digger. And by the way, unlike you, I grew up working-class.
Manny: Oh, please. The only blue collar in this house is the bedazzled one on your purebred French bulldog.
Jay: She was going through a depressed period. You're only as happy as your least happy child, Manny.

Gary: You know, there's a baby-friendly tapas place Atticus and I go to after, if you ladies are up for it.
Claire: I don't think it's time to bond, Gary, and I'm pretty sure you had to sue to get in here.
Sandy: He did. And up. We had to settle. And down. Nice.

Mitchell: I'm a fraud. Happy? I never even made it to the stairs. Don't even know where they are.
Cameron: You know, I can't say I'm... I'm not a tad bit disappointed in you, Mitchell. It's just a little lonely going on this journey of self-improvement all by my...
Mitchell: What is that?
Cameron: Hmm? What?
Mitchell: What... What part of the museum did you get this from?
Cameron: Uh, well, apparently... obviously, you're not... familiar with Matisse's feather... period.

Jay: I'm really sorry to hear that, but honestly, if your wife left you just because you missed her birthday...
Manny: To drive you to the airport.
Jay: I heard him, Manny. Thank you. ...you're probably better off without her.

Vic: I only wish I had something nicer to wear to our son's wedding tonight.
Jay: You know, you and I are about the same size. Why don't you borrow my tux?
Vic: Really?
Jay: I insist. In fact, I want to give you something else.
Vic: [gasps] Your plane?
Jay: Uh, no, I was reaching for my wallet. You know, to give you that money I s-still owe you for the cab.
Vic: I've admired this plane ever since I fell off the roof getting it for you. I'm so touched and honored.
Jay: Well, actually...
Manny: He fell off the roof.
Jay: Fine. Enjoy.
Vic: I will name her Roberta.
Jay: It's a boy plane.