Mitchell: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. If you're evacuating the whole area, can't you just do us last?
Fireman: I don't think you realize how close you are to actual flames.
Pepper: Hello. Pepper Saltzman. Big supporter of yours. Have all your calendars.

Mitchell: Oh, Pepper. Pepper. Do you have any idea why-
Pepper: Oh, sorry. I'm in a mad rush to the mashed-potato bar to restock something called fixin's. [voice breaking] If you ever felt anything for me, you'll push me out a window.

Pepper: I don't know who I am anymore. Who am I? I'm a joke, that's who.
Cameron: No. No. You're not a joke. You're Pepper Saltzman.
Pepper: I think I'd better just go. If anything terrible should happen don't feel an obligation to attend my memorial, New York or L.A.

Pepper: I mean, my God. If they didn't want to come to my party, just say it. I'm a big boy. I can take it.
Cameron: Well, since you brought it up, Pepper we didn't want to come to your party either.
Pepper: What?
Cameron: Oh, you know we love you. But they've just gotten to be so much work over the years, and-
Mitchell: We're all out of cassis.
Pepper: I can't bear it.
Mitchell: I will make you a Bellini.
Pepper: Everybody canceled on me. And now you two. For 15 years, I have killed myself setting a community standard with my fanciful themed brunches mounted at great personal expense. Well, clearly I've been a fool. No one likes your brunches, Pepper. No one likes you. You're gonna die alone in a quaint Spanish revival outside of Palm Springs. Or La Quinta.

Pepper: No, I get it. You think I'm an idiot.
Cameron: No.
Mitchell: No! No, we don't, Pepper.
Pepper: Well, obviously, you know better than I. After all, I've only put on hundreds of magnificent weddings. Come, Ronaldo. They're not interested in planning a wedding. They're interested in hurting people.

Sal: I'm gonna put this in the kitchen. I make all my own baby food. It's all natural, no chemicals.
Mitchell: Who is this woman? She's not drinking. She's making her own baby food.
Sal: Does Lily have any other plates? I don't let Sammy eat off this plastic.
Mitchell: Yeah, the far cabinet.
Sal: Thanks.
Mitchell: Okay, none of this makes sense.
Pepper: I know. How does she breast-feed him if she doesn't let him near plastic?

Phil: Lovely night.
Pepper: What are you doing here?
Phil: I called Ronaldo looking for you.
Pepper: I come to this place when life turns out not to be a musical. I'm up here a lot.
Phil: I'm sorry I yelled at you.
Pepper: Well, Phil, you're not the first person to find me a tad trying. This may shock you, but I don't have many friends. Express some shock, Phil.

Pepper: [gasps]
Mitchell: I know. I know. It really hit us bad.
Pepper: No. I'm just always surprised how small this place is.
Cameron: Pepper, you didn't have to leave your party to come check on us. Great costume, by the way.
Pepper: This isn't my costume. I just threw this on to help you clean up.

Cameron: Well, about your party-
Pepper: Oh, don't worry about canceling. At least you have an excuse, unlike Steven and Stefan. They said they had the flu. Meantime, I just saw them out riding their bicycle.
Mitchell: Oh, Pepper, that is horrible. I-I'm gonna make you a cocktail.
Pepper: Oh, honey, don't go to any trouble. I'll just have a Kir Royale.

Cameron: Richard Gere. Oh, my God. I'll be the officer don't be a gentleman.
Pepper: Montgomery Clift.
Crispin: Who?
Pepper: Don't do that, Crispin. You're not that young. Anyway, my crush was gay. At least I had a shot.
Cameron: You had a shot with Montgomery Clift? How old are you?
Pepper: I will cut you like it was nothing, farm boy.