Pam: The family didn't want me to get back together with Beau on account of he's six-parts Chicopee and married, but I did it anyway, and now he's in County for punching a police horse in the face. And if they find out, then they'll just know that everyone was right about me being such a screw-up.
Mitchell: Oh, Pam, I-I had no idea.
Pam: I mean, how many months along are you?
Pam: Oh, all of them. All of them. Yeah, go ahead. Condemn me. I can see the judgment all over that generic face of yours. This strap is cutting into me like a piano wire.

Cameron: Well, I have good news. Mitchell and I are early contenders to win the best costume in the human/animal category. What are you doing?
Pam: Self-comforting with food.
Cameron: I've been working on that all morning, and it is for a party tonight.
Pam: What are a bunch of gays gonna do with a cake but stand around screeching about how pretty it is?

Cal: Momma!
Pam: [gasps] There's my little chicken nugget! Ooh, my goodness! I missed you so much. How have you been?
Cal: They read to me every night.
Pam: Aw, don't worry, baby. That's all over now.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] It's taken me a long time, but I've finally learned that when it comes to Cam's sister, anything I say can and will be used against me.
[flashback:]
Cameron: Do you think maybe we should, you know, have the bartender cut Pam off?
Mitchell: Oh, God, you know what? She is getting a little bit messy.
Cameron: Uh, Pam, Mitchell thinks you're kind of making a fool out of yourself.
Pam: Go to hell, Mitchell! You go straight to hell! Whoo!

Pam: You don't remember that time Daddy didn't live with us for a year 'cause he was shacked up with that diner waitress Jannie Sue Butler?
Cameron: Oh, [scoffs] please. The only time Daddy ever left was to go to war.
Pam: It was 1977. What war, Cam?
Cameron: The V- Hmm?
Pam: He left us 'cause he turned 40, he got his first liver spot, and that bimbo reminded him of the Bionic Woman. Mostly on account of her fake arm.

Pam: Well, the damn airline lost my trunk. Now I'm gonna have to make new clothes.
Cameron: Oh, no.
Pam: Yep. I need to squeeze something. Get over here, Lily.
Lily: I'm good.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, she's shy.

Mitchell: So, Pam, we've got some big news.
Pam: Speaking of big news, you remember that little ugly girl I used to babysit, Britney Horner?
Cameron: Yeah.
Pam: Well, she got married last summer, and now she's pregnant with twins. So, if you're keeping track, that's ugly - 2, me - nothing. What's your news?
Mitchell: Um, well...
Cameron: We're getting a new dryer.
Pam: Oh. Well, I'm very happy for y'all.
Mitchell: Thank you.
Pam: How come I never get a new dryer?

Pam: It's the least I could do, since you'uns opened your home to me for I don't know how many weeks now.
Mitchell: [whispers] Three.
Pam: I just don't get it. How could he leave me?
Cameron: I know.
Pam: I'm pretty. There's nothing I won't let him do in the b-e-d.
Mitchell: [covering Lily's ears] Hey, sweetheart, you're such a big eater, aren't ya, huh?

Pam: Alls I'm saying is, if you're lucky enough to get this boy Ryan you like, you hold on with both hands. 'Cause once he's gone, you're nothing.
Cameron: Okay, you don't really mean that.
Pam: I don't know what I mean. I'm just a woman running her fool mouth off.
Cameron: Okay, not exactly the message of empowerment we'd like to impart to our 21st-century daughter.
Lily: What's a Demerol shooter?

Cameron: Pameron Jessica Tucker, where do you think you're going?
Pam: Home. To get down on my knees and beg Bo to come back. I'm just gonna lie and tell him I'm pregnant.