Phil: If if I could give you one tiny note? Mrs. Graham's terror level, which should be going down, is actually going up.
Gloria: Mine too. Actually, I'm panicking right now! I can't believe what I'm sensing right now! There is like, a humming sound, vibrations, fear!
Phil: I'm pretty sure that's all coming off of me, because I'm about to lose a sale I really need. How about this? Just just spin it a little.
Gloria: What are you asking me to do?
Phil: In real estate, there are no dumps. There are fixer-uppers. A small house is cozy. How do we know this presence is bad? What about Casper? Or the Holy Ghost? People love those guys.

Cameron: Do not look at him. He is a siren. He draws you in with those big beautiful blue eyes, and the next thing you know, you're giving him your great-grandfather's Civil War bayonet and he's selling it for Magic Beans. It's the brand of whiskey he drinks.

Jay: Excuse me, everyone! As founder of this company, which I built with my own sweat and tears, I'd like to say a few words. Before going into the future, it's important we honor how we got here. So I put together a little presentation.
Claire: Dad, we're having ice cream.
Jay: They can lick and watch.

Gloria: This wall is warm, Phil. It's radiating evil.
Phil: It is not radiating evil- Oh, that is warm. Oh!
Gloria: What was that? Faulty wiring, Phil?!
Phil: How dare you? I would never sell a house with faulty wiring! You can hear that, right?
Gloria: [whispering] You made them angry.
Phil: I don't believe in any of this! But just in case... [throws water] What is this? Holy water?
Gloria: No. Cucumber water. You think this skin just happens?

Jay: Ahhh, your mother called you about the screening of my film.
Manny: Uh...
Jay: She blew us off, some lame excuse about being attacked by bees. Oh what the hell, let's start. What are you doing over there?
Manny: What are you doing up there? Is that you with Lady Bird Johnson?
Jay: Sure is. I was Closet Magazine's "Movers and Groovers to Watch." She did the keynote, complimented my mustache. Heady times.
Manny: What's with all that news footage?
Jay: Well, historical context is important. Post-Watergate, people wanted transparency, hence the glass closet. Now, let me explain why my shirt is off in the next shot.

Alex: [aside to camera] That was three weeks ago, and we have made a ton of money since. All I have to do is wear a different shoe every day.
Luke: [sniffs Alex's sneaker] Hitting all of the right notes. Ship it.

Phil: [aside to camera] My new real-estate company is this close to its first sale. A sale we really need! Not just to prove my old partners wrong, but also to pay the bills. Unfortunately, my client has developed a case of cold feet.

Phil: Oh, here she is! Mrs. Graham, looking well! How are those peptides doing?
Mrs. Graham: Ooh, terrific! My shaman realigned them.
Phil: And I got the last everything bagel, so I guess we both got off to a great start today.

Claire: Be the change you want to see in the world
Jay: I got here as soon as I could!
Man: Shh!
Claire: In some ways, the words of Gandhi are truer today than ever before. The world is taking notice of the Aurora walk-in, which is blurring the line between storage and sanctuary. [applause] I want to take a moment to celebrate our rock, our foundation, someone to whom we owe a very special debt... Josie.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Rock? Foundation? Josie? Who is that?!
[back:]
Claire: And to thank you all for your amazing accomplishments, I have got an ice-cream cart coming in this afternoon!

Jay: I.T. guy, I need your help.
Man: Cigar ash in your keyboard again?
Jay: Something bigger. But, yeah, bring that little vacuum.