Alex: Explain yourself.
Luke: I'm taking photos of your feet for perverts.
Alex: Ew!
Luke: Hear me out. Remember when you couldn't return those sneakers you bought and asked me to sell them online? Right after I listed them, I got a message asking if they'd been worn and sweat in. Before I could lie and say no, I got another message. "Can I see your feet?" Apparently, there are a ton of these feet freaks on the Internet.

Phil: [aside to camera] Personally, I don't believe in any of that evil-spirit mumbo jumbo. As a magician, I've learned that every spooky happening has a perfectly reasonable explanation. Even the eeriest of illusions, Satan's Elevator, is really just two mirrors and a tiny... Nice try.

Phil: Oh, this is Gloria. She'll be addressing your concerns.
Mrs. Graham: Nice to meet you. I instantly trust you. Why is that? Oh, I got it. We were once cats together. I joke! I'm not that crazy. [Phil laughs nervously] Now, tell me about the ghost.
Gloria: Well, in these suburban cases, it's usually a low-level haunting, like a dead unpaid gardener, a dead jealous boyfriend, a dead dog who left something unfetched.

Jay: [on video] 1946. An iron curtain was descending over Europe. But in Youngstown, Ohio, a child is born. While young Jay Pritchett was superstar athlete, he was also an artist who dreamed of revolutionizing an industry closets.
[aside to camera:]
Claire: He just couldn't let me have my day. He had to make it all about him. It was disgusting. Although the scene of him playing his father denying him a startup loan? Surprisingly powerful.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] While America was doing the Hustle, Jay was hustling to build an empire, which is why one newspaper called him "the hardest working man in closets."
[aside to camera:]
Claire: That was an ad.
[back:]
Jay: [on video] Who would've thought the company, built by that little boy, would one day be the toast of the international closet world? Congratulations. We did it.

Gloria: [aside to camera] When Phil told me about this house, I offered to help. Now that Manny's away at college and Joe goes to kindergarten, I have time for one of my old hobbies confronting the devil in all his forms.
[flashback:]
Gloria: I have everything I need: sage, a spoon from the Vatican cafeteria, my maracas.

Pam: I'm not going down there, Cam. I don't trust myself around him. I see that face, I hear that voice, I go all gooey.
Cameron: You're preaching to the gay man's choir, here. But you have to decide for yourself, and you need to keep a clear head. You know what? All right. So, here's a trick that I used when I was coming of age. So, I had a little bit of a self-control problem, and I would put a rubber band around my wrist and flick it every time I got the urge to flick it.
Pam: Ew! You used to snap one of those like crazy whenever we watched "Dukes of Hazzard."
Cameron: Yeah. I got through all seven seasons, zero incidents.

Alex: Oh, my God, did you write this?
Luke: "My little piggies got so sweaty." Sexy, right?
Alex: No. No, it's gross!
Luke: That pair of sneakers went for over $200.
Alex: I have more in my closet.

Jay: Son of a bitch, we did it! We did it! Manny, I appreciate you coming from college for this moment.
Manny: Yeah. Something like this only happens once in a wee- year- lifetime?
Jay: If that!
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I'm accustomed to certain creature comforts that are hard to come by at school, so I've been stopping home to borrow things.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] And then she left the door open, and poor Larry got out and got in a fight with a possum. Now we have to give him antibiotics every day at noon, which he hates.
Cameron: On the positive side, we've both been coming home at lunch because it's a two-man job, as it what we've also been enjoying on our little lunch break...
[flashback:]
Cameron: You look really cute in that suit.
Mitchell: You look really cute in those gym shorts.
[back:]
Cameron: Only eight more days of cat antibiotics.
Mitchell: Say "antibiotics" one more time.
Cameron: Antibiotics.

Luke: Uh, no Velcro. Our brand is a little more upscale. Uh-oh. Another buyer is tired of seeing the same feet.
Alex: Oh, it's my fault now? What's he doing to keep things interesting? Why do I care?
[cut to Alex shaving Luke's legs in the bathroom:]
Alex: I'm surprised you were open to this.
Luke: I'm surprised you know how to do this. Don't forget, we have to get over to mom's work to ship shoes later.
Alex: Wait a second, you're using Mom's FedEx?
Luke: Every time she and Dad have a fancy night out, she uses the hashtag "Luke's college fund." So, yeah, I'm using her account.