Manny: Don't talk. Listen. It was her fault.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. What?
Manny: Don't look at me. Do something. Take pictures.
Gloria: [from across the street] Manny! What kind of cupcake do you want?
Manny: Um, that's okay. I'm not hungry. [to Mitchell] That was a mistake. Now she'II know something's up.
Gloria: Are you okay?
Manny: I'm fine. She cut that guy off. [to Mitchell] She's a terrible driver. She's a danger to us all.
Mitchell: Okay, wait. Now stop. I thought she said he was parked and then he cut her off?
Manny: Everybody looks parked when you're going a hundred miles an hour.
Mitchell: Manny, why didn't you speak up?
Manny: She can't take criticism about her driving. Once an old lady yelled at her at a crosswalk. She honked so long, the horn ran out.
Gloria: Manny!
Manny: I've said too much already.

Cameron: That is game and, I believe, match.
Jay: Yeah, fine, you won. But, you know, what do you expect? For the first half of the game, I was distracted by what happened in the locker room.
Cameron: And you're sure it's not because I'm a fabulous racquetball player?
Jay: You're average. But I was a little thrown by you touching me. Which is unnatural- Not to you, of course. No, to you it's like rocket fuel.
Cameron: Oh, sure. When you're gay you just walk around giving butt bumps to everybody. It's like a high five. It's a low two.

Jay: [answering cell phone] Hello!
Mitchell: Hey, Dad. Uh, did you know that the accident was Gloria's fault?
Jay: Yes. I mean, I wasn't there, but she's a horrible driver. If she hit 10 cars, I wouldn't be surprised.
Mitchell: If you knew it was her fault, why did you get me involved?
Jay: Because someone has to tell her she's in the wrong, and better you than me.
Mitchell: That's great. Here I am thinking that my dad actually respects me as a lawyer, and really you're just throwing me to the wolves.
Jay: Can't it be both?
Mitchell: Okay. Dad, it doesn't bother you in the least that your gay son is the only one tough enough to stand up to your wife?
Jay: Go get 'em, Rocky. See you later.
Cameron: Your father and I had a moon landing in the locker room.
Jay: What's the matter with you?

Alex: Check it out. The Aubreys had this huge party last night, and we got all these bottles to recycle.
Phil: Great.
Alex: What's Jagermeister?
Phil: Um... Well, you know how in a fairy tale there's always a potion that makes the princess fall asleep, and then the guys start kissing her? Well, this is like that, except you don't wake up in a castle, you wake up in a frat house with a bad reputation.

Mitchell: Maybe, uh, we should go over the accident one more time.
Gloria: Put the dogs on a row. You're such a good lawyer.

Mitchell: Uh, I just wanna make sure we're 100% clear on exactly what happened.
Gloria: Oh, we're clear. I told you. What? You don't believe me?
Mitchell: No, no. I just- You know, sometimes you can forget tiny details. Like, is it possible, maybe, uh, you were driving too fast?
Gloria: Who said I was driving fast?
Manny: Yeah, who?
Mitchell: I just- I'm looking at the street, and I'm thinking if you were driving a little fast, it's possible that maybe you didn't see the car-
Gloria: You're like everyone else, huh? You blame the Latino driver. Where I come from, they always blame the Latino driver.
Mitchell: Where you come from, isn't everybody a Latino driver?

Phil: [in Portapotty] Claire! Claire! Hey.
Claire: Phil, what are you- What are you doing?
Phil: Just concluding a little business. Very successfully, I might add.

Jay: [without turning around] I told you I'd win. Not talking so much now, are you, hotshot? Hope you enjoy that nice, hot shower, but it's not gonna wash away the shame of that 15-7 beatdown. You should have seen the look on your face when that drop shot just kissed the wall. [chuckling] Ah. Okay, splashdown. Got me again. Yep. Make the uptight straight guy all embarrassed. Except for one thing- Doesn't even bother me anymore.
I could do this all day. Here, another one for you. Maybe a couple of 'em. [chuckles]
Cameron: [entering] Jay, I just noticed a sauna back here. How big of a hurry are we in?
Jay: Biggest hurry of your life. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.

Manny: Well, if you're going to be stranded, might as well be in a place full of cupcakes.
Mitchell: I don't think you need any more.
Gloria: Ay. I'm sorry, guys. It's true- I am a defensive driver.
Manny: You mean you're defensive about-
Gloria: I know what I am. Let's go. It's just that I don't like when people just assume that I'm a bad driver. Maybe it was just, like, a little bit my fault.
Mitchell: Well, I'm glad you can admit that, Gloria.
Gloria: But I'm still gonna need you as my lawyer, Mitch.
Mitchell: Why?
Gloria: Because this one- It was not my fault, I promise you.
Mitchell: That's what that sound was.
Gloria: It was the big cupcake.

Phil: I think I know a little bit about music. I was a deejay in college. I had my own show- in the coveted time slot. Daybreak with Dunphy.
Haley: Are you kidding me?
Phil: No, I'm not kidding you. And I played Rick Astley.
Haley: Dad, that's embarrassing.
Phil: Never gonna give- Sing it, Luke.