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Me? Jealous?

‘Me? Jealous?’

Season 3, Episode 14 -  Aired February 8, 2012

Phil is so determined to get a client's business that he doesn't notice what Claire considers to be his inappropriate advances. Meanwhile, Mitchell and Cameron stay over at Jay and Gloria's house while theirs is fumigated.

Quote from Luke

Alex: Wow. I've never seen him like that.
Haley: Well, we do kind of neglect him. And if you think about it, he is kind of our little sister.
Alex: Remember how we used to dress him up?
Haley: I miss her.
Luke: [o.s.] I hear you, and I don't like where this is going!
Haley: You get the lipstick, I'll get the bra and tennis balls.
Alex: Betty Luke!
Luke: [o.s.] I will burn this house down!


Quote from Gloria

Gloria: Where is the cheese grater? Where is the cutting board?
Cameron: Where would you want it to be?
Gloria: Yes, right here next to the cheese grater.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I know it's hard to tell by looking at me, but I am not a natural homemaker. So when Cam came and organized my kitchen, I felt insecure and lashed out. In a way, I'm no better than Manny's crazy friend Danielle.

Quote from Cameron

Lily: Daddy, we forgot to give you this. It's like our jackets.
Cameron: I love it.
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: I guess I've always been a little sensitive about Lily not having a mother, and Gloria's so good at it. I got jealous. Maybe I should tell Manny this story. It might help him with that train wreck Danielle.

Quote from Mitchell

Mitchell: I was rude to you. I think I was just annoyed by all the lawyer jokes. I mean, let's be honest, you don't exactly beam with pride over what I do for a living.
Jay: Mockery is the sincerest form of flattery.
Mitchell: Pretty sure that's- That's not the saying. But, um, you know, Manny told me a story about his friend Danielle. [inhales]. She sounds like a real piece of work, by the way. But, uh, it made me realize that I take myself a little too seriously.

Quote from Jay

Jay: Listen, it goes without saying I've always been proud of you, and I brag about you all the time. So if I say, "What do lawyers use as birth control?" And the answer is, "Their personalities," I want you to know I'm not referring to you. You don't need any birth control.

Quote from Phil

Claire: What is wrong with you?
Phil: You laughed like it was "Who's on first?"
Claire: What?
Phil: He's on second. Don't try to cheer me up.

Quote from Phil

Claire: It's you. You are making me so happy right now. You stormed out of there, and you're acting like an idiot.
Phil: You like this? Because I am really uncomfortable.
Claire: Honey, I love it. Makes me feel special.
Phil: Sometimes, I really don't understand you.
Claire: I know. It's stupid, but it's nice to know that sometimes you'll fight for me, and all I have to do is laugh at some other guy's story. But no one makes me laugh like you do.
Phil: As long as it's always genuine.
Claire: Mm-hmm.
Phil: You can fake anything you want with me, but not your laugh. I'd like to go back.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Oh, I hope Tad likes salmon. It's a bit of a risk serving fish to a first-time diner at Dunphy's. Maybe I should marinate a steak for backup.
Alex: I think someone has a man crush.
Phil: First of all, I would never date a potential client.
Claire: That's "first of all"?

Quote from Haley

Claire: [aside to camera] Recently, Haley got a little creative on one of her college applications and listed herself as a "big sister."
Haley: Technically, I am a big sister.
Phil: She capitalized the "b" and the "s."
Claire: Which makes sense, 'cause it was.
Phil: So Claire and I suggested-
Haley: Forced.
Phil: That she volunteer for the organization. We couldn't be prouder.
Claire: We could. Little bit.

Quote from Jay

Mitchell: Hey, dad? Did you accidentally leave this hilarious book of lawyer jokes in the guest room?
Jay: I'll tell you if you can answer the following question: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Mitchell: I don't know. What?
Jay: Well, one's a bottom-feeding mud-dweller and the other's a fish.
Mitchell: Zing!

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