Jay: What's that smell?
Manny: I believe you're referring to my bold new scent, "Sex Gre-nod."

Gloria: Is that for Sam, your friend that is a girl, but has the name of a boy?
Manny: I knew you were spying on me last night. Yes, I have a girlfriend. Let me save you some snooping. She's smart. She's pretty. She's a senior. She's our High School's "it" girl, and "it" dumped the captain of the basketball team for me.
Gloria: So, you're only 15, and you go out with the senior.
Manny: Are you sure you want to play that game?
Jay: Are you?

Gloria: No, that girl is too advanced for him. I don't want her to force him to do anything that he doesn't want to.
Jay: I think he'll be okay with whatever she wants to do.
Gloria: Okay, you go because I cannot butt in. Maybe you can talk to her. Maybe you can put the fear of God into her!
Jay: What, bust her windshield? Break her pinkie?
Gloria: I go disconnect the security camera.

Phil: Hey, do you guys know where the bar is?
Lester: You're here, my friend. What are you in the mood for?
Phil: Well, I'd like my wife and kids back, but I'd take a chardonnay.

Haley: He has a room to himself, and that's what he's doing?
Alex: How surprised should we be? I mean, he's basically a hyperactive toddler that just wants to play all the time.

Alex: Do you think he lied about the hotel being booked just so we'd all have to spend time together?
Luke: And we totally ditched him.
Haley: Even after he jumped on that sex grenade for us.

Cameron: [on the phone] Mitchell, we won! And I looked back, and you weren't there! Please don't be mad at me.
Mitchell: I'm on the fence.
Cameron: I don't blame you. I feel stupid for making you think this was all your fault.
Mitchell: No! I'm on the fence. Look to your right.

Lily: This is crazy. Yes, this is crazy.
Mitchell: Who cares if I like football? Daddy likes football, and I like daddy, so... I need to tell him. I need to tell him I'm gonna be more supportive, and I need to- Oh, honey, are you calling him for me?
Lily: [on the phone, holding the card from a gift basket] Yes, I have a complaint. Can I please talk to Harry or David?

Jay: Oh, I'm not gonna lie to you. It sucks, and sometimes it's got to suck for a while. I just wish I could say some magic words or give you a hug, make it all go away. [Manny hugs Jay]
Manny: Can I still have a sip of that scotch like you said?
[Gloria signals no to Jay, then walks away]
Jay: Okay, I just opened a bottle, a beautiful 18-year-old, full-bodied.
Manny: Sam!

Claire: [aside to camera] So, it turns out our house has mold.
Phil: Which is not a reflection on this excellent homemaker.
Claire: Anyway, we have to vacate the house while it's being treated.
Phil: I got us the last room at a hotel nearby.
Claire: I was a little concerned about the five of us sharing a room, but for one night, I don't know, could be fun.