Claire: Alex and I can't just disagree. I mean, she has to turn everything into a fight.
Manny: Hmm, a strong, independent woman. Sounds like somebody else I know.
Claire: I was never hostile, thou. This- This whole thing with the dress- Never had this problem with Haley.
Manny: Maybe Alex doesn't want to compete with her big sister. Maybe she's trying to create her own identity. Put her in a dress and she disappears.
Claire: For one afternoon.
Manny: I wouldn't give up being myself for even one second.
Claire: Wow. Sometimes it's hard to remember you're only 10 years old.
Manny: [with a milk mustache] And three-quarters.

Whitney: This is so humiliating. I am sorry.
Gloria: It's okay.
Whitney: He just seemed so mature online. How could I be so stupid?
Manny: You're not stupid. "Stupid" is not following your heart and taking a chance on love.
Whitney: I mean, what kind of 11 -year-old talks like that? [crying]
Gloria: Manny's an old soul.
Manny: [to Whitney] Here. Use my handkerchief.

Jay: [singing] Oh, Danny boy The pipes The pipes are calling From glen to glen And down the mountainside The summer's gone And all the roses-
Manny: You keep this up, and this won't be the last plug I pull.

Jay: Why are you so scattered lately?
Gloria: Aw, he's just nervous because of his poetry reading tonight. But don't worry, papi. I am going to be there to support you.
[aside to camera:]
Manny: I don't want my mom there. I'm exploring some darker themes I'm not sure she's ready for, poems like "The Umbilical Noose," "A Jail Called Mom," "Smother Nature." She'll just find some way to make it all about her.

Manny: Oh, what a B-U-tiful morning. I joke because I've been accepted to B.U.
Gloria: Oh, Manny, I'm so proud of you!
Manny: I'm six for six. So many suitors, not sure which to choose from. I feel like Lady Mary in the last season of "Downton Abbey."
Jay: I'd avoid the big football schools.

Jay: This is from me and the boys. Gloria got you her own gift.
Claire: Wow, this is wrapped so nicely!
Manny: I did that. It's a lost art in this modern age where people simply click and ship gifts over the Internet.
Gloria: Papi, just be normal.

Manny: Turtle, reptile, pet. Shel Turtlestein was many things. [exhales] I don't think I can do this without crying. Maybe we should just get to the cold cuts.
Gloria: Well, we wanna hear it. Jay, why don't you read it? You were with him at the end. Remember?
Jay: "Shel Turtlestein was many things, but above all, he was my friend. When I didn't get a date with Fiona Gunderson, Shel was there. When I didn't get to play the part of Tevye, Shel was there. And when a raccoon broke into my room, unfortunately, Shel was there. I said a lot of things to my friend, but the one thing I never got to say was good-bye."

Gloria: Manny, it was a great idea to come on the train.
Manny: Rail is a last bastion of respectable travel now that every airport has become a sweat-pant convention.

Manny: Who am I kidding? I can't fall asleep. Every car alarm, every whistle of the wind sounds like people laughing at me.
Gloria: It's all in your imagination.
Joe: [laughing]
Manny: [groans] I just want to Netflix and Mom.

Claire: So, you and Luke having a good time?
Manny: I don't know. He won't come out of his box. Maybe I'll just stay here and spend some time with my sister.
Claire: Oh, right, I guess, technically, I would be your stepsister.
Manny: My mother says we are never to use the word "step" because it means "not real," and we are a real family.
Claire: Mm.
Manny: So, what is the matter, Claire?
Claire: What?
Manny: You seem sad.
Claire: It's just stuff with Alex. You know, kid stuff.
Manny: Ugh, kids. You don't have to tell me. My school is full of them.