Sal: Sorry you couldn't come to the wedding. It was no kids.
Lily: It's okay. I'll go to your next one.
Sal: Wow.
Mitchell: Yeah. She- She just means when she's not a kid anymore, you know?
Lily: She knows what I mean.
Sal: I don't like you.
Lily: [whispers] I'll get over it.

Pam: What's this?
Cameron: Oh, uh, that's an action figure.
Pam: It's two grooms.
Mitchell: They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.
Cameron: It was 103.
Lily: My daddies are getting married.
Pam: Your dads are getting married? That can't be right.
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha says.

Gloria: So, you have ways of making him walk? Lily, just admit that you did it.
Lily: Come here, Joe. Come here like you did before.
Jay: Honey, you're embarrassing yourself.
Lily: Come here, Joe.
Jay: He can't walk.
Gloria: He's walking! The candles that I lit worked!
Jay: Look at the stride on him. He's as surefooted as a mountain goat.
Lily: Told you.
Gloria: I'm so sorry that we doubted you.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Boy, did I get lucky. I'm going to blame everything on him until he learns how to talk.

Lily: What's a bridal store?
Gloria: It's a place with the most wonderful dresses that you have ever seen. We're gonna get you the perfect one even if it takes us all day.
Lily: Found it.
Claire: Oh, no, sweetie. That's a costume. You can't wear a costume to a wedding.
Lily: Why not? Belle's a princess. She faced the beast. She stood up to the townspeople. What have you done?

Lily: Let's see what we've got here. Eggplant jelly? What do they send if they don't like you?
Cameron: "Go, Coach, go Dolphins!"
Mitchell: I don't know. It seems a little "go" heavy.
Lily: Pink salt? What is wrong with people?

Gloria: Look at that beautiful family moment.
Lily: Yeah, look right at it. [places Dede doll behind Gloria]
[aside to camera:]
Lily: I asked myself, "What would Nana want today?" She'd want me to mess with Gloria. Also, I ate Grandpa's sandwich.

Mitchell: Lily, how...
Lily: I set up my mirror so I could see her cards. I had to! I couldn't stand her making me feel bad about myself.
Mitchell: No, no, I get it. I'm not sure they don't enjoy making people feel inferior.
Lily: Which is something you guys could never do.
Both: Aww!
Mitchell: Wait, did she just say that we could never make people feel inferior because we're so inferior ourselves?
Cameron: But cleverly wrapped in a compliment to avoid detection?
Mitchell: In other words, the perfect gay zinger?
Cameron: Well, she may not finish high school, but she will hold her own at any Tony party the rest of her life.
Mitchell: Yeah, she will. Yeah.

Cameron: Boy, it starting to get nippy, huh? You guys want to walk down to the duck pond?
Barb: Um, that sounds lovely. I'll get the gun.
Lily: Are y'all coming?
Mitchell: "Y'all"? We don't say "y'all"!
Cameron: Yeah, we do.
Mitchell: No, well, yeah, we say it here, but not normally.
Cameron: Well, did you ever think this is how I really talk and that I talk different-like when I'm not here?
Lily: Y'all fighting?

Mitchell: Maybe we misheard.
Cameron: Yeah. Maybe she said "truck." Or- Or "duck." Or "luck." She could have said "yuck."
Lily: Daddy, can I have some ice cream?
Mitchell: No, honey, if you're hungry, you can have some fruit.
Lily: Fruit? [bleep]
[Cameron runs out of the room laughing]
Lily: [laughs]

Cameron: Pameron Tucker, you outdid yourself on these biscuits and gravy. They are so tasty, they make you want to slap your mama. Am I right, Mitchell?
Mitchell: Sure. If that's a thing, why not?
Pam: Bless your hearts.
Lily: [Southern accent] I'm fuller than a dog tick.
Mitchell: Hey, just because they do it...