Lily: What if he never comes back?
Jay: Oh, honey, no one ever leaves home and doesn't come back.
Lily: I did.

Mitchell: Hey, sweetie.
Lily: Hi.
Mitchell: How was your day?
Lily: Better than hers. What's wrong now?
Mitchell: Daddy's just having a moment.
Lily: He's always having a moment.

Lily: So, Larry's allowed to sit on the couch and I'm not?
Cameron: Well, Larry is white.
Lily: Hey, you chose me!
Cameron: Oh, uh, that's not what I meant.

Mitchell: Oh, let's see here. Uh, yeah. Oh, the Tooth Fairy. "1 Tooth Fairy Lane. Tooth City, Tooth Dakota."
Lily: I hope it's another $100.
Cameron: Ooh! Well, lookie there. Glitter!
Mitchell: I guess the tooth fairy doesn't have to worry about vacuuming.
Cameron: See, "Dear Lily, I'm writing because I made a mistake and gave you too much money. Please leave the $100 under your pillow tonight, and I'll give you a dollar. Sorry if that bites."
Lily: Let me see that. [takes letter] I can't read.

Cameron: Hey, um, I wish you'd be a little more mindful of my family situation.
Mitchell: I'm sorry. I didn't realize the vigil had drifted out to the common areas. Cam, come on. She's 95 years old and plugged into a wall. Maybe it's time to, you know...
Cameron: What? What are you saying, Mitchell? That we should pull the plug? [all gasp]
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

Cameron: Okay, we gave you every tween girl's dream day, and... and you can barely crack a smile.
Lily: It's not my dream day. It's yours. I'm not the same kind of tween girl you guys are.
Cameron: But we love all the same things.
Lily: I've changed. I don't like Beyoncé.
Both: [gasp]
Mitchell: You take that back!
Lily: Or Britney.
Both: [gasp]
Lily: Or Gaga.
Both: [gasp]
Lily: I only fake it 'cause you guys like that stuff. I'm different.

Lily: When I grow up, I want to have kids. Well, first, I want a perfect husband. Someone who takes care of me. And then we're gonna make a baby. Which is easy. You just put eggs and tadpoles in a glass, and the woman has to drink it. Then, the woman and man kiss and jump on their bed. After a year, she pees, and a baby comes out.
Luke: Wow.
Alex: Oh, my God.
Manny: Okay, then.

Mitchell: Hey, I have an idea. Let's think of something we can all do together, okay? Just the four of us.
Cameron: Anything you want.
Mitchell: Absolutely anything.
[aside to camera:]
Lily: Three years ago, they gave me an "absolutely anything," and I wasted it on a Popsicle. That was not gonna happen again.

Cameron: Hey, what are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any minute. I told you to put all this wedding stuff away.
Mitchell: Are these really our top-two choices for color palette? Why are they both white?
Lily: That's what my friend Keisha asks about you and daddy.

Lily: I want a cheeseburger.
Cameron: But this is a special soup called pho.
Lily: You told me not to say that word.