Joe: [clears throat]
Phil: Oh. Joe. W-What are you doing up?
Joe: Hello, Claire. I made this for you.
Claire: Oh, my goodness. Look, it's a Valentine. It's two love bugs. Aww.
Joe: [to Phil] Two love bugs. Three's a crowd.

Joe: Daddy.
Jay: What are you doing up?
Joe: I can't sleep. Wait. You eat while I'm in bed? Is there a meal I don't know about?
Jay: A couple.
Jay: But you need to hit the hay, buddy. I need you sawin' logs until 0700.
Joe: I don't know what any of that means.

[Car door opens]
Jay: Hey, buddy.
Joe: I'm sorry, okay?! I lied about wearing my eye patch, and that's only the beginning! I lied about how my bike broke. I never walk Stella. I tie her to the treadmill. The last three teeth I put under my pillow were Tic-Tacs. I'm a terrible boy.
Gloria: Oh, good. He's weak like you.

Jay: That's your classic game-day breakfast: your carbs, fiber, your protein. You throw a shot of brandy in there, you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.
Joe: I don't eat beets. Never have, never will.
Jay: When you were two, you ate a dime and a butterfly. Now your body is a temple?

Gloria: Mi amor, can I get some wine? [to Joe] That was Estefan's father. The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him. I need to stop by the ATM and then go to his house. When your daddy's not looking, let's split the beets, okay?
Joe: Fine. I'm ready to eat these, but can we turn off the lights so I don't have to see how gross they are?
Jay: Makes sense.
Gloria: Good idea. [silverware clatters]
Gloria: Bravo, papi!
Jay: That's my guy!
[When the lights come back on, Jay and Gloria see they both have beet-stained teeth]

Gloria: Why, Manny? Do you want to direct it?
Manny: Why not? Some of our best artists started out making commercials. Am I better than Spike Jonze or Guillermo del Toro?
Joe: Nope.

Mitchell: Oh, hey. Seen Cam?
Joe: And a Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Mitchell: Oh, that's a lot of attitude. You sound like my dad.
Joe: Our dad!
Mitchell: Uch.

Joe: Maybe a puppy will cheer you up.
Jay: I told you, not gonna happen.
Joe: You're giving up?
Jay: I can't give these things away. Forget everything I taught you today. I don't know what I'm talking about.
Joe: Hey, mister, my dad was about to give you the deal of a lifetime... 100 dog beds for a hundred bucks, so you can give one away with each new dog.
Lon: A hundred bucks, huh?
Joe: I can see you're not serious. [to the dog] Slow down that tail, buddy. This is leaving with me.
Lon: [sighs] Wait, wait. Don't walk away. Would you do 50 bucks?
Joe: Will you throw in a puppy?

Manny: It's not my fault. I tried to stop him.
Gloria: Stop who? What happened? [gasps] Ay, your hair! Where is it?!
Joe: Dad took me to his barber. It was so cool! Have you heard of Playboy?

Gloria: Jay, you can't be buying home décor things for gays. Mitch and Cam are going to hate this thing!
Jay: No, they won't. The guys are gonna love it. Just like Joe loves his haircut.
Gloria: Ay. Everybody's gonna think that he has lice.
Joe: I hope not. Bad hygiene is one of Miss September's three biggest turn-offs.