Manny: What are you doing?
Joe: This is awkward. I need a boy cave.
Manny: I'm not here, okay? You put a lock on the closet?
Joe: That's where I'm gonna put Santa Claus when I catch him. [whispering] Sleeping pills in his cookies.

Manny: I'm having the last cronut. I'm so depressed.
Jay: I'm sorry, kid. I think Andy ate it. So the game starts at 2:00, right?
Joe: Jay ate the last cronut.
Jay: No one likes a tattletale, kid.
Gloria: Thank you, baby, for being so honest.
Jay: So we should leave in about an hour.
Gloria: What is this "we"? I have to go and register Joe for the winter camp.
Joe: Mommy's going to buy shoes.
Gloria: I did not raise a rat!

Jay: Sales lesson number two... create demand. Leave a few dog beds lying around, dogs fall in love, your phones start ringing off the hook. Go ahead. Over there. Go.
Joe: [to a couple] Wow. My dog really likes this bed. I wonder if leaving it here will create demand.
Woman: Uh, no, thank you.
Jay: [to Joe] Alright, good start. You could've been a little cuter with that.
Joe: What?!
Jay: When did you start saying "really likes"? What happened to "weawwy wikes"?
Joe: You paid a speech therapist to shame it out of me.

Manny: Hey, Cam. Congratulations. Go, gay marriage.
Joe: [spits up]
Lily: He did it again.
Gloria: Ay, sí.
Cameron: Okay. Well...

Gloria: Joe, what are all these cartoons? Now all of Mommy's movies are gone!
Joe: Manny did it.
Manny: What am I supposed to do when I babysit this guy? Make conversation? The kid has two stories.
Joe: Look. I'm a tree.
Manny: That's the good one.

Joe: Did I do something wrong?
Jay: You did take something out of your mom's drawer without asking. But I'm gonna give you a pass on that one. The thing is, the gift was inappropriate.
Joe: Well, you give underpants to Mom.
Jay: True.
Joe: You do it every year.
Jay: Look, you can give that kind of thing to your wife or your girlfriend. But it's a little bit different when it's your teacher, okay?
Joe: Fine. Can I go back to the quiet room now? I already missed half of my nap. You know how I get.

Jay: What'd I miss?
Joe: This overpaid bum missed a putt.
Jay: I'm supposed to not like this.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Two weeks ago, we invited Mitch and Cam to stay here.
Joe: You invited them.
Gloria: [sighs] It's been hard on us, but it's part of our Colombian heritage...
Joe: Your heritage.
Gloria: ...to welcome family and to never kick them out, even when they might have some boundary issues.

Joe: I look stupid.
Jay: Hey, you see what a bad mood your mother's in? That's because she misses Manny. Today, you're Manny.
Joe: But wouldn't she miss Joe then?
Jay: Don't overthink. Just go in there, act all heartsick, and tell her you want to have high tea.
Joe: Hey, Mom. Why are girls such a mystery? Have a scone!

Gloria: Joe, why is the fort still in the middle of the living room?
Joe: I need it.
Gloria: For what? Apaches? Are you being attacked?
Joe: Feels like it.