Joe: [aside to camera] Now that I'm six, I like girls, but I love two girls: The Little Mermaid and Claire.

Joe: Daddy?
Jay: What?
Joe: Got you a present.
Jay: That's my boy! Let's see. What do we got in here? Hey. An ice bucket.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I saw Manny take shampoos from the hotel. So I took some things, too. Then some bigger things. I like stealing. It makes my heart go fast.
[back:]
Jay: And what's in the ice bucket? Oh! A hair dryer. Thanks, buddy.

Jay: I know she got to you, but, uh, I need you to tell me the truth.
Joe: Is that ice cream for me?
Jay: Could be. What happened to your mom's car? [Joe is silent] I can wait all day, but the trouble with ice cream is, it melts.
Joe: I like it when it melts.
Jay: What do you mean you like it when it melts? Nobody likes ice cream when it melts.
Joe: It's like soup.
Jay: You hate soup.
Joe: Not chocolate soup.

Manny: I guess I can go out on the roof and check for monster slobber.
Joe: Okay.
Gloria: No! If he falls from the roof and dies, his ghost will haunt you forever.
Joe: Oh, boy. I do not need a ghost.

Jay: Tell me what happened to your mom's car, and you can have your ice cream.
Gloria: Hello, Jay.
Jay: Gloria, I...
Gloria: Look at you, trying to bribe a five-year-old. You should be ashamed. Let's go, Joe. Now that you're awake, Mommy's gonna fix you a healthy snack. [exits]
Joe: Check her phone.
Jay: Huh?
Joe: Check her phone. And leave the ice cream. It'll be nice and warm when I get back.

Joe: There was once a land of godless natives. They did not know any better until, one day, the white man arrived.
Gloria: What is this?
Joe: The white man took pity on these primitives by teaching them to cultivate the land. But their kindness was mistaken for aggression, and a war began. [makes throat slitting jesture]
Claire: What kind of school is this?
Cameron: This is what I was taught.
Claire: What?
Joe: Eventually, peace was restored, and we bestowed them with our nation's highest honor naming football teams for them.
Gloria: Joe, what play is this?
Joe: I wasn't in a play! I don't go to school anymore!

Jay: Hey, kid. Wake up. We need to talk.
Joe: What?
Jay: Your mom's car got a big dent in it. Now, I know you were with her. Did you see how that happened?
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.
Jay: That's what your mom said, but if it was something else, like, I don't know, she got into a little fender bender, you could tell me.
Joe: Someone must have hit the car when we were in the store.

Jay: Now, I don't know what can of worms this is, but I know this is my day, and I want you to calm down. [cellphone chimes] Is that a phone in your pocket? That's my phone. I've been looking for this since yesterday.
Joe: I steal now.

Luke: Joe, I'm coming for you. Hey, have you guys seen Joe? [lifts cushions on couch]
Joe: Aw, man! You found me so easy. But that was for fun.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: Hide and seek? What am I, 4? I'm here because Luke has the new zombie video game that my mom would never let me play.

Jay: Okay. So we both like to be in charge. But when it comes to Joe, can we both be on the same page? Like this morning when I was trying to get him to eat his vegetables? Back me up.
[aside to camera:]
Joe: I knew I should have thrown away those beets! Stupid. What am I, 4?