Jay: I hate losing to a team with a Viking mascot. Hey, you died out and became Swedes! Hip-hip-hooray for socialism and seasonal depression!

Cameron: It's a French Canadian delicacy called poutine.
Jay: Mm. Well, it looks like vomit, so I'm not pou-ting it in my mouth.

Jay: [aside to camera] The key to being a good dad? Look, sometimes things work out just the way you want. Sometimes they don't. You got to hang in there. Because when all is said and done, 90% of being a dad is just showin' up.

Jay: [aside to camera] I don't like to talk about it a lot, but I have a certain expertise in timber. Even blindfolded, I can tell a Galapagos teak from a Maltese cherry. Came in handy for a cop friend of mine. Helped him round up the Cedar Boys.

Jay: Just stop it, please. Don't you see how hard this is for me? See, I used to be just like one of those guys. Now look at me. I got a house looks like Little Colombia. I got a gay son and a Chinese granddaughter.
Mitchell: Vietnamese.
Jay: Only you would know the difference.
Mitchell: Don't worry, Dad. Not growing too much.

Gloria: Let me feel you. Ay, papi, but you're not warm.
Manny: Uh, probably because you were cooking and your hands are warm. I better skip the party tomorrow just to be safe.
Gloria: Oh. Yeah, the party.
Jay: What?
Gloria: [whispering] The party.
Jay: I understand about 20% of what goes on around here.

Jay: [aside to camera] This weekend, we're going up to Pebble Beach. I'm gonna meet a bunch of guys I played high school football with. Man, those were the good old days.
Gloria: Yeah, unless you were a woman, black, Hispanic, or gay.
Jay: True, but if you were a straight white guy who played football, you really couldn't have a bad day.

Jay: Hey, this could be our new Thanksgiving tradition.
Gloria: What, hiding from our own family?
Jay: Hey, if the Indians hid a little bit more, they might still have this country. No, just taking a break from each other. God knows I couldn't love them more, but the Kennedys didn't get together as much as this family.

Jay: Who are we kidding? We both got it pretty good. Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing.
Mitchell: A bird fell out of a tree and he fed it with an eyedropper.
Jay: Just drop it, kid. We're both with people different from us, and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different. Your mom and I were perfect on paper and you know how that ended. [holding Barkley's hands] What I got now is a lot better. Sure, people look at us sometimes. And sometimes even I can't believe we're together. But we're happy. At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather come home to.
Mitchell: You mean Gloria.
Jay: Who else?

Jay: Ta-da! [all gasp] He's an old-time barkeep. Now, check it out. He's a big guy, like Cam, and he's got red hair, like you!
Mitchell: Dad! This is exactly what we needed... a little whimsy! I love it!
Gloria: No, you don't. Other gays, tell him. [all speak supportively]
Jay: We're gonna have so much fun with this guy. We can throw a-an Uncle Sam hat on him for the 4th of July, a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.
Mitchell: Or a rainbow wig for... for Pride.
Jay: Well, it's a piece of art. I don't think you want to make it silly.
Mitchell: So, does this, uh, big fella have a name?
Jay: Sure does. Since he's a combo of Cam and Mitch, he's Kitsch.