Phil: What the hell is going on?!
Haley: Dad? What are you doing home?
Phil: So this is how it is? We're gone for a minute, and you guys throw a party?
Haley: No!
Luke: Just texted mom we're having a good time at the movies. It works every t--aah!
Phil: So this is a regular thing?
Haley: No!
Alex: You know the drill. Coolers out b-aaa-ack!

Phil: Enough! Turn off the music. Everybody who I did not create, get out of my house right now! I don't want to get upset. I've been through enough tonight.
Haley: What happened?
Phil: I'm not supposed to tell you.
Alex: When you say it like that, we make it worse in our heads.
Phil: Fine. It's no big deal. Your mother had to go to the hospital.
Haley: Oh, my God!
Luke: What?!
Alex: That is so much worse than it would be in our heads!
Phil: She's fine. She just passed out a little. Something to do with her heart.
Haley: Like a heart attack?!
Alex: Mom had a heart attack?!
Luke: Mom almost died of a heart attack?!

Claire: Phil, everything okay?
Phil: Fine! I'm coming! [to the kids] Just act like everything's normal. Oh, and if, uh, two Cambodian guys show up, send them to our bedroom.

Phil: That is not what I said. Kids, everything is fine.
Haley: Call 9-1-1!
Alex: Oh, God!
Luke: Her heart exploded!
Phil: Oh, my God! I did it again!
Claire: Phil, it's your nose!

Claire: This is the one thing, the one thing I ask from you is not to make a big deal of this, and you couldn't even do that.
Phil: Honey, you need to stay calm.
Claire: No, I don't, because I am fine. We are all fine.
Alex: Oh, God. [collapses]
Claire: Haley, revive your sister.

Claire: It was kind of scary.
Phil: Of course.
Claire: Until I knew what it was, and then-
Phil: Don't ruin it. I just have one more question. Did it hurt?
Claire: Well, I blacked out before I-
Phil: When you fell from heaven?
Claire: Nailed it.

Jay: I got a ticket running a red light, so let's make this worth it. Put the kid down.
Gloria: I can't. He's being a real Pritchett.
Jay: We need to come up with a different term for that.

Jay: Where were all these distractions the night that Joe was conceived?

Manny: Best day ever! I just got invited to a Valentine's party by a secret admirer!
Gloria: You should go.
Jay: Sounds great! Go!
Manny: I obviously need to get dressed first.
Jay: Can you keep it under a half-hour?
Manny: You're funny.

Jay: What's with the hat?
Manny: My secret admirer requested I wear a hat with a feather in it. I'm like, "Which one?"
Jay: Really? This secret admirer have any other requests?
Manny: Uh, yes. She asked me to bring some poetry to recite at the party.
Jay: Uh-uh. These, uh, kids at the party, they wouldn't be the popular ones by any chance?
Manny: The most popular. Why?
Jay: No reason. Just have fun.
Manny: I will.