Haley: Are you into him or something?
Alex: No! I'm just genuinely concerned you're going to embarrass yourself or me. At least look up the difference between astrology and astronomy.
Haley: Okay, alls I know is, is that you're being a real Capricorn right now. The sun revolves around the Earth, and not you.

Andy: Found another one. I told you.
Haley: Are you gonna do that every time? You found glass, not the lost city of Atlanta.
Andy: Wow, I'm gonna chalk that one up to a lot of underage drinking.

Alex: Hey, can you drop me off at the library?
Haley: Sorry. I'm meeting some friends at that coffee shop on Lake.
Alex: You mean the one next to the library?
Haley: That's a library? I thought it was a church for a religion that didn't allow makeup.

Phil: Haley, put down the chair.
Haley: Why should I?!
Phil: Because this is getting absurd, and it's no fun being laughed at by a room full of scientists and a monkey in a diaper.
Luke: Yeah! We need to push that button, show those eggheads that we're not sheep!
Haley: No! Breaking the rules doesn't make you a hero! It makes you a screw-up! Take it from me, Luke. One out of a million dropouts becomes Steve Jobs. Do you know who become losers with no jobs? The other 99,000!

Haley: Who are you texting?
Alex: Ahh! No one. I'm just reading my horoscope.
Haley: Liar. Why would anyone read their horoscope so late in the day? Everything's already happened.

Haley: I never realized how many people hold hands in malls. And now that gays are legal or whatever, it's basically everyone.

Haley: Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. When my daughter has her first Shark Week, we're just gonna laugh about it. That's what girls want. I mean, it is bananas what happens down there every month. Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.

Haley: Now, Mom, that's my favorite sweater. I just got it.
Claire: You know what you girls need to learn to do? You need to learn to share. Because that's what sisters do. All right, Haley, nothing's gonna happen to your sweater. Right, Alex? Hmm?
Haley: Okay, fine. Then I will just go put on your favorite nerdy T-shirt the one with the guy from Back to the Future on it.
Alex: That's Albert Einstein. And it is not nerdy.

Gloria: Hola, Haley.
Haley: Hi, Gloria. Thanks for coming over.
Gloria: En espanol, por favor.
Haley: Uh, hola, Gloria. Gracias for coming over.
Gloria: No, the whole thing.
Haley: I don't know the whole thing. Why do I even need to learn Spanish? I live in California. I'm never gonna use it.

Claire: Um, we need to talk, honey. We're worried about you. You haven't heard back from the college that wait-listed you, and all the rest of your friends have. And now you're just wasting time at the mall.
Haley: For your information, I've already filled out and dropped off my community college application. And plus also I'm going to the mall because I have a job interview.
Claire: What?
Phil: Really?
Haley: My guidance counselor suggested I take a gap year. You know, a year between high school and college were you take some courses, have some life experiences, and get inspired. And obviously, work at the GAP.