Gil Thorpe: Dunphy, I'm not gonna lie to you. You guys did a nice job on the house. My buyer wants in.
Phil: Fantastic! That is great news! You know, when we first got into this-
Gil Thorpe: Whoa, the small talk's over. Here's what we're prepared to offer.
Phil: You're joking, right?
Gil Thorpe: I don't joke about real estate. I joke about golf and Mexicans. It's okay, though. I'm married to one.

Phil: [on the phone] Gil! Phil Dunphy.
Gil Thorpe: Ha ha ha! I knew you'd come slinking back! [to the other golfers] Hey, guys! It's Dunphy. He's cavin'. What did I tell you? What did I tell you, hey? [on the phone] Oh, Dunphy, I can play you like a ukulele, 'cause you're small and dainty.
Phil: Gil, I wanna talk to you about your offer.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, ho! Let me stop you right there. This is how this is gonna go down. First of all, I'm gonna take you out to a very nice dinner. I'm gonna talk really sweet to you. And then I'm gonna lay you down by the fire...
Phil: Oh.
Gil Thorpe: Slow at first, then... And then you're gonna go home and tell everybody you went to the movies, but you and I both know that you got thorpedoed.

Gil Thorpe: It's just... It's strange to say it out loud like that, you know? I'm a gay man. [chuckles] I'm a big gay man. [chuckles] Feels like a big gay weight has been lifted off me.
Mitchell: Just a weight.

Gil Thorpe: Your office said you'd be over here.
Phil: Yeah, I am here. With my buyers. What do you guys think?
Mitchell: Oh, my God! This house is perfect.
Cameron: I especially love the warm embrace of the parlor!
Mitchell: It screams you.
Cameron: No, it screams you, sweetie.
Mitchell: Oh, dis doggie door, Cam. Look.
Gil Thorpe: Damn it. Gays. They come to play.

Phil: That's my wife. I better take it.
Gil Thorpe: Hey, hey. Whoa, listen. Whatever you do, don't tell her you're playing golf on a weekday. You'll be doing dishes all night.
Phil: Good call. Thank you, my man. [answers phone] Hey, honey. What's up? Oh, not much. Just, uh, in a meeting. You know, working hard, bringing home the bacon.
Gil Thorpe: No, he's not! He's playing golf! [laughing]
Phil: No.
Gil Thorpe: Um fore! Nice putt! [laughing] Why you lying to your wife, Dunphy? Huh? Hey, he had a beer at lunch, too!
Phil: What is wrong with you?
Gil Thorpe: You just got thorpedoed! Come back here.

Gil Thorpe: Oh, whoops! I'm sorry, man. I hope I didn't blind ya. Although you might not want to see what's next.
Our kids are wrestling each other.
Phil: Are you kidding?
Gil Thorpe: Nope! There's my little bra-snapper right there. He's a beast, man.
Phil: No, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it. This is when you try to intimidate me.
Gil Thorpe: No! No. Hey, good luck. Hey, did you ever hear about those illegal baby-fighting rings they got in the border?
Phil: That's not a real thing.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, wife and I brought him down there. Won a whole carload of chickens. See you out there, man.
Phil: That never happened!

Gil Thorpe: [on the car phone] Hang on. Is that your hot wife I hear? Hey, is she still taking those yoga classes?
Phil: Hanging up.
Gil Thorpe: W-w-wait. Wait. Real quick. The listing at 225 cedar street, it's mine now.
Phil: You poached my listing?
Gil Thorpe: Poached it, seasoned it, and covered it in Thorpe-andaise sauce, my friend. You should thank me, dumpy. You're back in second place with your favorite view, my sweet behind.

Gil Thorpe: Trust me, this house is gonna sell at Thorpe speed.

Gil Thorpe: Freeze! Police!
Phil: I'm a Realtor. I'm not a criminal.
Gil Thorpe: Oh, well, then you're not doing it right.
Phil: Hey, Gil.
Gil Thorpe: If one of your clients is actually thinking about buying this minefield, that would be their second bad decision. First was hiring you.
Phil: Yeah, I got it.

Gil Thorpe: You're not gonna push one of your clients into this swamp, are you?
Phil: Maybe it just needs a developer with a little vision.
Gil Thorpe: Very little vision and no sense of smell. I mean, this neighborhood makes El Segundo seem like a Sephora.
Phil: It's in transition.
Gil Thorpe: Yeah, it's turning into Fallujah. I'm out of here before I get jacked. You gonna be around here for a while?
Phil: I might.
Gil Thorpe: Maybe you can score me some methadone. [laughs]