Cameron: [aside to camera] Any monkey can shoot a home movie. I pride myself on shooting home films.
Mitchell: Yeah, but, Cameron, you always just take things a little too far.
Cameron: No, I don't.
Mitchell: Okay, your nephew's first birthday.
Cameron: That's not fair.
Mitchell: You brought a wind machine.
Cameron: To be fair, my vision was-
Mitchell: Cameron, you brought a wind machine!
Cameron: Who puts wheels on cribs?

Phil: Yeah, our kids are great.
Claire: They're the greatest.
Phil: Gosh, we're blessed.
Claire: We are. But, um, are they the best at something? I'd have to think about that.
Phil: Well, Alex is great at every single thing she tries, so, you know, she'll find her specialty.
Claire: She will. And- And Haley is...
Phil: Haley is so pretty.
Claire: Gorgeous. Oh, gosh. Gorgeous girl.
Phil: I mean, so, she can meet someone who's the best at something.
Claire: That's right.
Phil: And then, I guess that leaves Luke. We dropped the ball a little bit on that one.
Claire: Yeah, a little bit.

Haley: There must be something wrong with this phone. I've rubbed it on my head for, like, an hour.
Claire: What? Alex.
Alex: [chuckles]
Haley: Oh, you're such a geek!
Alex: At least I didn't give myself a bald spot.
Haley: Oh, my god! Mom!
Claire: Alex, don't be mean. Haley, stop making yourself such an easy target.

Phil: I have got a good feeling about this. This is gonna be your sport.
Luke: Last year, you said basketball was my sport.
Phil: Look, I've said a lot of things I wish I could take back, but I can't. What I can do is be the dad you need me to be to help you become masterful. You want to be masterful?
Luke: I guess.
Phil: There's my killer! Okay. Our journey of 10,000 hours begins with a single pitch. I believe in my boy! I ain't gonna quit you. Let's burn one in here.

Gloria: [on the phone, speaking forcefully in Spanish]
Jay: Everything okay?
Gloria: Yes, I was telling my grandmother how great was Manny today.
Jay: So, that wasn't angry talk?
Gloria: No, silly, that was happy talk.
Jay: Ah, I'm beginning to understand why there's so much conflict on your continent.

Gloria: [aside to camera] Jay loves to make t-shirts for special occasions. Come on, baby, show them.
Jay: A few years back, my granddaughter Haley ran a 5k, So I had a few of these made up. [holds t-shirt saying "Haley's Comets"] It's just fun.

Gloria: He shouldn't be doing anything that makes him nervous. Papi, I support you.
Manny: I'm not nervous. I just don't want to fight a girl.
Gloria: What?
Manny: Defeating a woman would be a mark on my honor.
Gloria: Why? Because men are always so superior to a woman?
Manny: Uh-
Gloria: Uh, uh! So superior that you cannot even finish your sentence?
Jay: Dude.
Gloria: Manny, you always call yourself the lover of women. But if you don't compete with this girl, you're showing me and all the women that you don't respect us.

Phil: [aside to camera] Hey, titans of residential real estate. That's right, I'm talking to you, Sandy Brewster, Skip Woosnum, J.J. McCubbin. Hear those footsteps? That's Luke Dunphy, and he's gonna drink your milkshake.

Phil: So, the owner's coming back in an hour with her husband, And I need him. I am telling you, that kid is a genius. There's the rainmaker!
Claire: Why is your iPod in your mouth?
Luke: I'm charging it.
Claire: Alex! Alex!

Mitchell: I guess I'm still a little angry. But, you know, you stole my moment, Claire. Yeah, okay, no, but it doesn't matter to you because you had your own moments. You had cheerleading and high-school plays, and, uh, making out with the quarterback, and...
Claire: Oh, come on. You made out with him, too.
Mitchell: Yeah, but we had to keep it a secret.