Phil: [aside to camera] Even if one of those boys had hit five home runs, the biggest star on that field was Claire. That's the funny thing about marriage. You fall in love with this extraordinary person, and over time, they begin to seem ordinary. I think it's all the nagging.

[asides to camera, separately:]
Phil: Yeah, I was pretty ticked off that Mitchell double-crossed my double-cross. And then he stopped taking my calls, and so I sent him the following carefully worded text "U suck."
Mitchell: I could tell Phil felt pretty hurt and betrayed, so I responded. "How r u gonna cheerlead your way out of this one, Buffy?"
Phil: "We both know this house thing is a disaster."
Mitchell: "Then say something, or I will. I don't care if you tell Cam-"
[cut to:]
Cameron: "I threw out that hideous sweater?!" I spent months knitting that hideous sweater.
Claire: Yeah.
Cameron: W- How are we seeing this?
Claire: They're using the group text from yesterday. They have no idea these are even coming to me.

Claire: Haley, hurry up! You don't have much time, and I made chocolate chip pancakes.
Haley: Mom, I'm not 12.
Phil: Dibs on hers.

Cameron: I see home plate up here. I see pitcher's mound in here, and I see little boys' dreams coming true everywhere.
Luke: I found a dead snake!
Claire: It's perfect.
Luke: Not dead! Not dead!
Claire: I'm gonna be mother of the year.

Gloria: And this is our dining room, where we eat. And this is our kitchen, where we also eat.
Manny: Who are you talking to? It looks like you lost your tour.
Jay: Or your mind.
Gloria: The baby. Shorty's girlfriend Darlene send it to me. She said it's for prenatal bonding. I love it. We took a tour of the house. We took a look at all my shoes.

Claire: Is this your house?
Mrs. Brooks: I'm moving in with my son. He's rich. Phone by the toilet rich.
Cameron: Oh.
Claire: All right, so have you lived here a long time?
Mrs. Brooks: I moved here in '62 to be an actress. I had one line in a "Rockford Files." "He went out the back."
Cameron: Who went out the back?
Claire: Oh, that was you.

Cameron: Okay, look, if the four of us go in on this together, we can minimize the risk.
Mitchell: Or if none of us do it, we can eliminate the risk altogether because none of you know anything about flipping houses.
Cameron: Okay, well, we already have it figured out. I'm gonna be the designer because I know about colors and shapes.
Mitchell: Yeah, so does Lily.
Claire: I'm gonna be the contractor.
Mitchell: And I'm gonna be the astronaut. Oh, this is fun. Phil, you go.

Phil: Listen there's no way we're letting them do this.
Mitchell: I know, right? They are not equipped to take this on.
Phil: We might as well flush all our savings down my boring old toilet.
Mitchell: Oh, you are really bitter about that.
Phil: It's the one thing I asked for.

Phil: Oh, you know what, Claire? You gotta cool down or you're just gonna make this worse. Why don't you go get the coffees? And I'll deal with him.
Claire: Well, okay, what are you gonna say to him?
Phil: I'm just gonna talk to him man-to-man.
Claire: Right. Okay.
Phil: [answering phone in a high-pitched voice] Hello?
Mitchell: Claire, Phil doesn't want the house either, all right? He's letting me take the fall. He's a liar.
Phil: And a clever one.
Mitchell: Ugh! How long do you think you can keep this from her? I'm gonna talk to her eventually.
Phil: Well, as long as we're swapping stories, Maybe I'll tell Cam what happened to the sweater he knit for you.

Jay: Breaker, breaker, big Jay. Baby, what's your 20? Over.
Gloria: Ay, that's so cute. You sound like Smokey and the Bandito. Go on. Go on.
Jay: Hi, kid. This is your dad Jay Pritchett. Uh, we're all pretty excited to meet you. Just a heads-up, I might be a few years older than you're expecting. But on the plus side, we're very comfortable. What's that? Nothin'? Tough womb. What are you doing in there? You sleepin'?
Gloria: [singing] Are you sleeping?
Jay: Ah! Ah! Ah! Still daddy's turn.