Mitchell: Mom. Mom, what are you doing to her legs?
Dede: Tai chi. I did it every day in Sedona. Cameron, you should try it. [Cameron puts down scone]
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Mitchell's mother has a problem... with me. Last Christmas, for example, she gave me a piece of exercise equipment and a lettuce dryer. So, to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings, and she gave me a hint.

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: To the bride and the groom, my ex. And he couldn't wait 10 minutes to run off with charo. I'm kidding. [rimshot] Seriously, I knew they were perfect for each other When I saw his wallet and her boobs. [laughs] Take your hands off me.
Mitchell: Mom. Mom.
Dede: Oh, relax, Mitchell. What, did you take your Claire pill?

[wedding video flashback:]
Dede: [mock accent] I'm Gloria. I'm Gloria. Kiss me. Oh, hey, kiss me.
[present, to camera:]
Luke: Nana is really strong.
[back:]
Dede: Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi! Ooh! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!
[present, to camera:]
Gloria: During my vows to my first husband, drug dealers burst in and assassinated the judge. This was way worse.
Jay: What can I say? I drive women crazy. [laughs] It's too soon, I guess.

Claire: I just don't understand why you invited him to my house.
Dede: Because he's an old friend. What was I gonna do, not invite him?
Claire: Yes. Yes.
Dede: Sweetheart, I don't know about you, but that is not the way I was raised.
Claire: You raised me.

Jay: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
Dede: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
Jay: Aw, jeez.

Dede: Oh, my God.
Gloria: What is she doing here?
Dede: You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
Jay: Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this. [Dede starts laughing hysterically] What's happening?
Gloria: Her brain. It snapped.
Dede: Oh! You're going to be a father again at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself.
Jay: Don't ask.

Jay: This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
Gloria: Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
Dede: I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
Gloria: Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
Dede: Oh, well, she is a funny-looking thing.
Jay: [to Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.

[aside to camera:]
Jay: Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air.
[cut to:]
Dede: I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: And landed right on top of me.
[cut to:]
Dede: I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
Jay: What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
Dede: Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.

Mitchell: Hey, Mom! Hi!
Claire: Hi, Mom!
Dede: [on video chat] Well, hello, original family.
Jay: Dede, we have something we have to tell you. Now, I know there's a delicate way to say this. Just can't think of it. Your fiancee's a pyro. He burnt down his ex-wife's house.
Dede: It's just like you three to try to ruin my big day.
Claire: Mom, we just thought you should know.
Dede: Jerry told me everything. Trust me. She had it coming. The woman's "cah-razy."
Jay: So, you're okay he's a firebug?
Dede: He's passionate, Jay. He knows how to express his feelings, unlike you. Maybe if you had burned our house down, we'd still be together.
Jay: My mistake. You're right, Dede.

Dede: [on video chat] Claire, you're not mad at me about your seating arrangements?
Claire: Why? Where am I sitting?
Dede: Mitchell, tell her. Got to run.
Mitchell: You're not sitting at the family table. Hello!