Phil: Hey, Kenneth. I was just talking to Buzz-kill Aldrin over here...

Alex: Grandpa, what are you doing here?
Jay: A terrible thing happened today at Manny's one-man show... He got me a ticket.
Alex: [goans]
Jay: No, I just stopped in to see how Margaret's working out.
Alex: She's not. As much as I enjoyed her pairing the glass of Chablis with my surprise shrimp cocktail, that's not a skill I need in an assistant. You have to fire her.
Jay: I can't. She worked for me her whole life. She slept on the sidewalk to get me Nancy Sinatra tickets.
Alex: Fine. I'll do it. Margaret, could you come in here, please?
Jay: This is the second thing today I can't watch. [to Margaret] I did everything I could for you. She's a cold one.

Margaret: What's going on here? Am I fired?
Alex: I'm afraid so.
Margaret: Oh, thank God! I've been wanting to retire for years now, but I could never let Jay down. I just want to sleep, tend my cannabis garden, and never work again.

Murray: Fine. I'm taking it. And when I get home, I'm going to sign him up for a bunch of those fringe religions. Let's see how he likes getting all those singing visitors and all those free Bibles. I'm going to ruin the rest of his life.
Cameron: See, Mitchell, he's making plans for the future. That's why you have rivals. It's something to live for.
Mitchell: Okay, you're just justifying bad behavior.
Cameron: Okay, Murray, Mitchell has somebody at work that keeps stealing his peanut butter, and he won't do anything about it.
Murray: You want to stop it? Try mixing in some laxatives.
Cameron: And then put an "under construction" sign on the bathroom door.
Murray: And if you really want to ruin his day...
Mitchell: Okay, now, hold on, hold on. Let me write these down.

Manny: Hey, the Wi-Fi's out.
Manny: Huge bummer, man. I was just about to finish writing my poem.
Manny: You're a writer, too? Well, knock me over with a feather. Blaine Lemarque, playwright. Power used to go out all the time in the bayou.
Manny: So crazy, I'm writing a movie set in the bayou called "Swamp Cops." I'm in film school, but soon, everyone's gonna know my name... Keith Fank!
Manny: I couldn't help overhearing. I'm Rhonda Jamowitz, gossip columnist for the local rag. You'll never guess which starlet was in here yesterday with a new man and a newer nose.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I was hoping that the play was gonna get better. With maybe a little less Rhonda.

Manny: I know I'm going on and on, but for the first time since Mother passed, I don't feel alone.
Javier: Brilliant. I don't miss the nudity at all.
Manny: We're so worried about staying connected, ignoring the walls that are being erected. We let the information confound us, when there's so much love swirling around us, that all we need to do is... [devices chime] Wi-Fi's back on!
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I blame myself. "You got an A? Have a hat." "You skinned your knee? Have a hat."

Manny: Sorry for making you guys wait. It took me a little longer than I thought to find my way back to Manny.

Phil: Really? You just sold me out for a job?
Claire: Honey, he wants a risk-taker. How's it going to look if I squash your boys' trip?
Phil: Boys' trip?! We're leaving the planet! You know the scariest part of a roller coaster? It's a month of that!
Haley: Dad, you don't want to go to space?
Phil: No, I do. I-I just... I worry that it might be too traumatic for you...
Haley: Oh, no, it'll be fun to tell the kids their Pop-Pop is an astronaut.
Phil: Pop-Pop might be the last sound I make. Claire, if it's not too much trouble, would you please, um, pick out a family photo for me to clutch after my tether snaps and I tumble endlessly through the void?
Claire: It is much more likely that you will just incinerate upon re-entry.

Gloria: Oh, good, you're here. Manny's about to model his new cruise wear for me.
Jay: This should be good.
Gloria: Jay, don't make him self-conscious. Promise you're going to be nice. [to Manny] Very smart.
Manny: Thanks, Mom. Jay, what do you think?
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Hey, El Capitán Kangaroo. What are you, the Untalented Mr. Ripley? You should be directing traffic in the Bahamas. Tennille called... D-Did I do that one yet? Anyway, she thinks you look like the kid in an '80s movie we're supposed to hate.
[back:]
Jay: You look amazing.
[aside to camera:]
Jay: Amazing-ly like the last Kennedy picked in a touch football game. These are too good. [chuckling] I gotta tell him. Manny, put the outfit back on!

Kenneth: [to Haley] I like the way you think outside the box. I may have a really interesting job opportunity for you.
Claire: Haley, we could be working together!
Kenneth: No, it's really just the one job. And, Phil, while it's not a trip to space, I hope that the Phil Dunphy Center for Wolves will be a fitting honor for the man who changed my life. We'll have a big opening ceremony. You'll meet all the wolves! Now let's go do this again in front of the cameras! [exits]
Phil: I'm terrified of wolves!