Season 1, Episode 5 - Aired October 21, 2009
After Luke and Manny get into a fight at school, family tension comes to a head as everyone gathers at Jay's house for a barbecue.
Quote from Jay
Jay: It's the Ohio State game.
Gloria: So, everybody can watch.
Jay: I dislike watching the game with people who don't know the game. People talk.
Manny: You talk at my football games.
Jay: For one thing, it's called soccer. Your team's scored two goals all season. I'm not taking a big risk.
Quote from Haley
Haley: Hey, mom? Can I have $40 for lunch?
Haley: I also need a book for school.
Claire: What book?
Haley: I want a dress.
Claire: Do you have any idea what a bad liar you are?
Alex: I'd be more worried that she couldn't come up with a single book title.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Luke, come on, we're late!
Claire: There's a first Inside out and backwards. At least it isn't zipped into his... There it is.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: Well, there's book smart, and then there's street smart.
Claire: Yeah, and then there's Luke.
Phil: He's just curious, that's all. He's got this almost scientific mind with a thirst for knowledge. He's like this little Einstein. Some people ask "why?" Luke asks, "why not?"
Claire: I ask "why" a lot.
Quote from Cameron
Mitchell: I don't like football.
Cameron: You know, I thought being in a relationship is pretending to enjoy your partner's interests. Do you think I really loved home pickle making?
Mitchell: Yeah, 'cause you did.
Cameron: For a week, until we became the weird guys who gave everybody pickles. "Oh, thank you, Marvin, for inviting us into your lovely home. Here, would you care for a sack of pickles?"
Mitchell: It was charming.
Cameron: We were picklers, Mitchell.
Quote from Luke
Claire: So, what happened?
Principal: Apparently, there was some name-calling and shoving on the playground. By the time a teacher separated them, Luke was sitting on Manny's chest.
Jay: Luke, that's not like you.
Principal: Wait a minute. You're Luke's father?
Principal: So Manny's father is...
Gloria: Javier. Crazy guy. That's where he gets his fire.
Principal: Okay, you're-
Claire: He's our son.
Jay: And my grandson.
Claire: I'm his daughter.
Principal: So, you're-
Manny: His uncle.
Luke: Stop saying that, or I'll sit on your chest again!
Quote from Mitchell
Cameron: I got a few things for the party. Is Lily ready to go?
Mitchell: [downbeat] Yeah, she's ready.
Cameron: What's wrong?
Mitchell: I'm just really worried about CJ Hightower, with the bad ankle. I don't know how he's gonna run his corner routes.
Cameron: What did my boyfriend just say?
Mitchell: Listen, I heard what you said, and I thought, yes, I should try to learn more about football.
Cameron: That is very mature of you.
Mitchell: I figure if football fans can learn it, how hard can it be?
Cameron: That's very elitist of you.
Mitchell: I'm taking baby steps here, all right? I'm actually looking forward to it. 'Cause it's not just the game. It's the bands and the drama and the the pageantry-
Cameron: Don't forget about the team mascots.
Mitchell: They wear ascots?
Cameron: No, "mascots," with an "m." That could have been very embarrassing.
Quote from Phil
Phil: It's nice to see you, Gloria. [hug and cheek kiss]
Gloria: Two times today.
Phil: Okay. [goes in for a second time]
Claire: Phil, she means we've seen them two times today.
Quote from Manny
Gloria: And it was all in my head, huh?
Claire: Listen, Gloria, it was like a year ago before I knew you.
Manny: [to Luke] Nice going. Now my mom and my sister are fighting.
Quote from Phil
Gloria: Did you really have to call her that? A gold digger.
Claire: You know what, dad? It was a year ago. And it was a natural question to ask. She's a beautiful, hot woman, and you're not exactly... You know.
Jay: Not exactly what?
Claire: Mitchell, a little help?
Mitchell: No, you are doing great.
Jay: See, this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug. So people don't get hurt.
Phil: Yeah. Until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you got a lumpy rug. It creates a tripping hazard. You open yourself up to lawsuits. Boy, you can go a really long time without blinking.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: It's about me not being accepted by my new family.
Phil: That is not true. Gloria, look, you're a beautiful woman. In fact, you're probably one of those beautiful women who doesn't know it.
Gloria: No, I know it.