Phil: Dad? Need you bad, buddy.
Luke: Why are you yelling?
Phil: Oh, don't tell Mom, but I worked out too hard, and it clogged my ears. I need some ice. And a heating pad. And some aspirin. And some soft foods, like Jell-o or soup. Can you poach an egg? Can you even hear me?!

Cameron: Oh, hey, Chatty-Cathys, heads up. Possible 10-99 right over here.
Officer Stablitzky: What?
Cameron: Couple low lifes over there exchanging cash-money.
Officer Stablitzky: That's because it's a newsstand. And I'm pretty sure a 1099 is a tax form.
Cameron: Oh, yeah, well, what isn't a form these days? School board's got me buried in paperwork. I gotta get three John Hancocks just to take a leak. We're the same, see?

Nicole: Yes, I wanted to talk to you all about something very important. So, what plant has been revered for its healing properties for millions of years?
Madison: Aloe.
Nicole: 'ello to you, too, but let's stay focused. Peppers.
Haley: Peppers. Weird, we are so in synch these days.

Haley: [aside to camera] I haven't come up with a single product idea in weeks, so I'm on thin ice at NERP. And I don't mean the low-calorie ice cubes we sell on our website.

Haley: Well, my my step-grandmother, she is from Colombia, and she sells a salsa that is supposedly made with these magical peppers.
Nicole: Peppers? I was just talking about them.
Haley: Yeah.
Nicole: When can I meet her?

Gloria: Sell my sauce business to NERP?
Haley: I think you could get a lot for it. When Nicole wants something, she just throws money at it. She bought her next-door neighbor's house because she liked the mailbox.
Gloria: I don't know.
Jay: I do. Dump it. That thing is worth less than a bachelor's degree.

Haley: Please, Gloria. I really need this. No one takes me seriously at that office. I don't even have my own cubicle. I share one, giant bean bag chair with the interns.

Claire: Whoa, what's up with the blazer and the t-shirt? Thought you were going to a college interview, not doing stand up in 1988.
Luke: I'm starting to think maybe college isn't for me. There's this guy at the club who said I could be a model. He said he's gonna take me out to the desert this week and take some pictures.
Claire: I'd put a pin in that.

Cameron: So, when do we roll?
Officer Stablitzky: You mean leave?
Cameron: Oh, copy that. You know, it's hard for me not to use the lingo. Bit of a lawman myself, acting high-school vice principal. Anyway, they call me "Arthritis" because I make life hard on seniors.
Mitchell: [laughs] They don't. But he did make a sign for his desk, didn't ya?

Claire: You know, Phil, it's not too late to back out. I am in the best shape of my life. After my last physical, the doctor posted my stress test on his Instagram.
Phil: Honey, I'm on the basketball court four days a week. They call me "Phil Dunk-phy".
Claire: Well, take a good look at this face 'cause it's the last time you're gonna see it for a while. On your mark, get set, go!