Cameron: [affected accent] The tribe elders foretold that though I lay with fire-haired man, the giving hawk would bring us baby with her skin the color of sweet corn, which my people call maize.
Mitchell: Okay. Please stop.
Mr. Plympton: Well, uh-
Cameron: Knowledge is her sustenance. Like so much maize which, you'll remember, means corn.
Mitchell: What if I was a single dad?

Cameron: [aside to camera] This week, the world lost a great man, and I lost a mentor. For nearly 60 years, Professor Ringmaster Al Uzielli helped young hopefuls like me find their clown persona.
Mitchell: "Professor Ringmaster"?
Cameron: It's a very prestigious title at Clown College. One step below Piemaster General.

Gloria: It's a bad time, Cam. Turns out, it wasn't the allergies. I feel terrible. You shouldn't be close to me. I don't want to get you sick.
Cameron: Oh, gosh. No danger of that. I have the immune system of a horse. When I was a kid, I needed a transfusion, and there was a mix-up with the vials. I've contacted Marvel Comics repeatedly, but they don't seem interested.

Cameron: So, you seen any m-movies lately?
Danielle: Uh, yeah. You know, my husband and I just rented, uh, "Mamma Mia," which I liked, but I don't know that Meryl Streep was the right choice. What did you think?
[aside to camera:]
Cameron: Excuse me. Meryl Streep could play Batman and be the right choice. She's perfection. Whether she's divorcing Kramer, whether she's wearing Prada. Don't even get me started on "Sophie's Choice." I get emotional thinking about it. She couldn't forgive herself. [whimpers]

Cameron: [aside to camera] I've known I wanted to be a clown since I found out clowns were just people with makeup. Um, as a matter of fact, by the time I was a teenager, if I wasn't in school or fishin', I was clownin'. There are four types of clowns: a tramp, an Auguste, a whiteface and a character. I am a classically trained Auguste clown named Fizbo. What?
Mitchell: Nothing. Between the clownin' and the fishin', I'm surprised you had time for the schoolin'. Aw, and there's the fifth type, the sad clown.
Cameron: Sad clown is a tramp. So there's still only four types.

Cameron: Well, I had no idea. I had no idea I was surrounded by a bunch of quitters. This production was a joke until I introduced these children to the musical theater greats Bernstein, Sondheim. Years from now, some of these kids will still be talking about the way I Sondheimized them.
Mitchell: Ooh, I don't think that's a good way of saying... Okay.

Cameron: Oh, my gosh, it's us. For our wedding cake. Couldn't you just die?
Mitchell: I really think I could.
Cameron: My dad made this. He's a world-class soap carver. You know, once, when I was a kid, I cussed, and my mom washed my mouth out with the leaning Tower of Pisa. She still blames herself to this day.

Cameron: No, okay, not happening. I'm having flashbacks. I don't know if I ever told you this, but when I was kid, I fell into a well.
Mitchell & Cameron: [together] It happened the same day as baby Jessica, but she got all the press.
Cameron: It still stings. Everybody loves a baby, but not one single prayer for a husky teen who's stuck head-first in a well for the better part of an hour.

Mitchell: When did we decide that Lily could go to Disneyland? I thought we were gonna talk about this.
Cameron: She's missing one day of school. I missed half of the fifth grade because of a pig bite, and I'm just as educated as anyone else.
Mitchell: Really? When we met, you thought you grew up in Central America.
Cameron: Missouri is in the center of America.
Mitchell: Okay. You also thought that the cavemen killed the dinosaurs.
Cameron: Were you there?

Jay: Is that the best you can do? 'Cause it's gonna take a little more than some lame trash talk to get me out of my- Gaah! What the hell was that?
Cameron: Our butts pressed against each other.
Jay: They didn't press. It was glancing. Stop talking about it!
Cameron: Oh, come on, all the time you've spent in a locker room, this can't be your first moon landing.
Jay: You got a name for it?
Cameron: It's very common. You got off easy. At least it didn't happen after a shower.
Jay: Enough.
Cameron: We call that a splashdown.
Jay: That's it. I'm changing in the stall. Excuse me!