Cameron: [aside to camera] Nobody likes a crying baby on a flight. It's-It's very stressful.
Mitchell: Uh, last year I flew back from New York next to a baby who was very upset the entire flight, and it was hell.
Cameron: I was on that flight with you, and I don't recall- Oh, I get it. You're talking about me. That's very funny.
Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.
Cameron: All he wanted to do was dance, and that's my story.
Mitchell: Five hours of this.
Cameron: [northern English accent] I just want to dance at the ballet!

Mitchell: Do you think that the kids are gonna be able to learn it by tonight? Maybe you should stick with something they already know.
Cameron: I knew this would happen! Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?
Mitchell: I do not.
Cameron: You do it all the time. And you know what I end up with? Wet dreams! I heard it as soon as I said it. Just leave it alone.

Cameron: All right, Lily, let's go. Okay, how late are we, "goat loose in the house" late or "stubborn cow in the road" late?
Mitchell: You've lived here 12 years. Please use city time.

Mitchell: [aside to camera] We have been together for, uh, five years now? And we decided we really wanted to have a baby so, we initially asked one of our lesbian friends to be a surrogate-
Cameron: Then we figured, they're already mean enough, can you imagine one of them pregnant? No, thank you.

Claire: So what do you think? Can we turn this into a baseball field?
Cameron: Oh, yeah. No problem. You know, back on the farm, I once turned an acre of corn into a snowflake-shaped maze. It'd still be there if our neighbor Billy Bob Sheinberg hadn't seen it from his crop duster and said it looked like a swastika.

Cameron: No, no, sweetie, we're just having a conversation about how your daddy can be so stuck-up.
Mitchell: Cam, that's really mature. Use our daughter to get your little digs in. I would never do that, sweetie.
Cameron: You don't think I notice how condescending you are when we come here? You just set on the porch. You roll your eyes. You don't participate in anything. And, yeah, I said "set." But that's how we talk here. I'm from this place. I'm proud of this place. And it hurts me that the man I love just thinks it's some big joke. Come on, sweetie.
Lily: [Southern accent] Lord o' mercy.

[flashback:]
Man: Oh, my God, you guys, let's hurry!
Cameron: Hurrying where?
Man: Uh, there's a retrospective... "Cher in the '70s: Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves."
Cameron: [gasps]
[present:]
Mitchell: You went without me? What do we always say? Every Cher experience should be a shared experience.
Cameron: Shared experience. I'm sorry, Mitchell. If I could turn back time...

Mitchell: No, the lengths that we're going to for a stuffed animal. You know, Cam, maybe it's time Lily learned about loss.
Cameron: No, she's 3, and I know. Do you know how many times I had to say good-bye to a furry friend on the farm?
Mitchell: And didn't it make you stronger?
Cameron: Yeah, because I was a growing boy and they were chock-full of protein. But it was still heartbreaking.

Cameron: [aside to camera] Mitchell has a problem with public displays of affection. I remember once at a New Year's Eve Party, stroke of midnight he high-fived me. Two problems with that: One, gays don't high-five. Two, gays don't high-five.

Cameron: [aside to camera] There's nothing gays hate more than when people...
Both: Treat us like women.
Cameron: We're not. We don't want to go to your baby shower. We don't have a time of the month. We don't love pink.
Mitchell: You love pink.
Cameron: No, pink loves me.