Mitchell: [on the phone] Hey, Haley.
Haley: Oh, hey, Uncle Mitchell.
Mitchell: Hey, is your mom home?
Haley: No. She had to take Alex to the oncologist.
Mitchell: Oh, my God. What's wrong?
Haley: She needed new glasses.
Mitchell: Oh. Did you mean optometrist?
Haley: Whatever.

Cameron: What are you thinking? Haley is a very sweet and fashionable girl but seems hardly a responsible caregiver.
Mitchell: Well, you know what? We needed a sitter. She's family. I say we give her a shot.
Cameron: A shot. Oh, with our only child. Sure, why not? If something goes wrong, we'll just pop over to the Orient, grab another one.

Mr. Kleezak: What?
Luke: My name is Luke Dunphy. I live next door.
Mr. Kleezak: What do you want?
Luke: I wanna get our ball from your yard.
Mr. Kleezak: I don't want you messing around back there. Just go home.
Luke: Are you going scuba diving?
Mr. Kleezak: Hmm?
Luke: Why do you have that tank?
Mr. Kleezak: You being smart?
Luke: You mean in school? Well, I do okay. My teacher says I get distracted. Why do you have that tube in your nose?
Mr. Kleezak: For fun.
Luke: Really? Can I try?
Mr. Kleezak: It's oxygen.
Luke: We have that in our house, but we don't need tanks.
Mr. Kleezak: Oh, for God's sake. Just get your ball.
Luke: Okay. [takes deep breath as he enters the house]

Gloria: No, you're not out. You're in.
Jay: I hate this kind of music.
Gloria: Jay, you always do that. Every time we try something new, your first reaction is always no.
Jay: I'm old enough to know what I like and what I don't like.
Manny: What about the crab cakes?
Jay: That was a fluke. And I can't slather that boring music in tartar sauce.

Cameron: Richard Gere. Oh, my God. I'll be the officer don't be a gentleman.
Pepper: Montgomery Clift.
Crispin: Who?
Pepper: Don't do that, Crispin. You're not that young. Anyway, my crush was gay. At least I had a shot.
Cameron: You had a shot with Montgomery Clift? How old are you?
Pepper: I will cut you like it was nothing, farm boy.

Mitchell: Okay. Okay. Back to me. Back to me. Back to me. So I had just seen St. Elmo's Fire.
Cameron: Oh, Mitchell, look. It's your father.
Pepper: Oh, that's your father? He's cute.
Mitchell: Okay. Can you please turn it off for one second?
Longinus: Oh, he's all alone. Invite him over.
Mitchell: Yeah, that's not something we're gonna do.
Crispin: Relax. Your dad knows you're gay.
Mitchell: He doesn't know I'm this gay.
Pepper: Excuse us?

Cameron: Oh, sit down. We're up by 25 with a minute to go.
Jay: Uh, maybe just for a minute. So what does a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?
Mitchell: Nobody say anything.
[everybody laughs]

Claire: I'm sorry. We thought there was something wrong with you.
Phil: Sorry.
Mr. Kleezak: What?
Claire: We thought there was something wrong with you. Phil.
Phil: Hi. We haven't, uh, formally met. Phil Dunphy.
Mr. Kleezak: Yeah, I know you. You're the guy who just broke into my house and fondled me.
Phil: No. We were just concerned that you looked dead. No offense.

Mr. Kleezak: What- What- What are you doing here?
Claire: Oh, um, our son, Luke, told us that you invited him over here to watch movies. And I'm sure you could understand why we would be concerned about that.
Mr. Kleezak: No.
Claire: Phil.
Phil: You're doing great.
Claire: Honey.
Mr. Kleezak: What, are you saying that I'm some kind of pervert?
Claire: No!
Phil: Probably not.

Jay: So I'm 12 years old. I'm staying overnight at my best friend Jim's house. Neither of us want to go to sleep.
Crispin: I know where this is going.
Jay: You're better than that, Crispin. So we sneak off to the movies and we see this little picture called Solomon and Sheba. And Sheba was-
All: Gina Lollobrigida!
Jay: Bingo! And for the rest of my life, I swore one day I would marry Gina Lollobrigida.
Mitchell: Well, Dad, you kinda did.
Jay: I hear that!