Phil: I had to get out of there, or I was gonna make Haley a single mom. I hit Dylan again, Claire.
Claire: But not on purpose.
Phil: Are we sure?
Claire: You mean, like, you might have some buried anger towards him stealing away your baby girl? Oh, I so want it to be on purpose. Gets lonely out here on crazy island.

Phil: Oh, well, we still have Italy.
Claire: Do we? Listen, I've been doing some research on twins, and it seems that, like our daughter, they... they tend to come early. Even if it's a 1-in-10 chance, I can't risk having the only maternal figure present be that tub-birthing Wiccan. I got to be there for Haley.
Phil: It's overwhelming for sure, but haven't a ton of our best memories come from the anarchy of our house? Like when Luke got his head stuck in the banister?
Claire: Which time? Or when... When Alex's science fair project blacked out the whole neighborhood during the Super Bowl?
Phil: Or when, uh, Haley snuck in Luke's window the same week we bought him a slingshot?
Claire: Oh, God. That was... Mm.
Phil: So, it's a-a madhouse, but on the other hand, we're gonna have a couple babies in the house, and they'll be Haley and Dylan's. So they'll be doing funny stuff.

Claire: So...looks like we are going on a trip?
Phil: [in Italian] "To the adventure that is life."
Claire: "With you, every day is a lawnmower".
Phil: "I must be the tallest man in the world."

Jay: [aside to camera] Maybe it was sour grapes, but this guy was starting to sound like baloney. I was sure that if I left no stone unturned, eventually, one day, I'd find some dirt on Great Uncle Alvaro.
[flashback:]
Jay: I knew it!
[back:]
Jay: Simón Francisco Alvaro would go from town to town, seducing wealthy widows with made-up stories of his bravery in battle. After frittering away their fortunes on drink and dice, he would move on, leaving his victims with nothing but a single red rose... and syphilis.