Claire: I can't believe after all those nights at Fratelli's talking about going to Italy, it's actually happening.
Phil: [Italian accent] Ohh, American lady! Why do you do this to me?
Claire: Don't make me practice my slap on you again.

Phil: Things are gonna be so hectic here this summer. It's weird to think people will be calling us Grandpa and...
Claire: No, please don't say it. Don't say that word. It makes me feel so old. But I have thought about what I want them to call me. Gammy.
Phil: Gammy. Well, let's take her for a spin. "Hey, everyone, Gammy's here!" "Sorry, guys, not today, Gammy's in a mood." Yeah, it does. It works.

Joe: I want to give these old toys to Haley's babies.
Gloria: Oh, Joe, that's so sweet!
Joe: Now I have room in the closet for my lizard.
Gloria: Lizard? I thought that you were just going to the pet shop to look.
Jay: I can't say no to that face. You're gonna have to be bad cop 'til puberty, you know, when the Pritchett Adam's apple and fuzz-stache show up.

Gloria: Joe, next week, you have to go to school dressed as a hero. Why don't you dress as Uncle Alvaro?
Jay: Or Uncle Erasmus.
Gloria: Ay, Jay, that's cute, but Alvaro was not only a war hero. He was a celebrated matador, Frida Kahlo's tango instructor, two-time winner of the Bogota Herald cartoon caption contest.
Jay: No disrespect, but I don't think he was fit to shine Erasmus J. Pritchett's boots, which, incidentally, were made by a nine-foot Texas diamondback he stomped to death while arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
Joe: Did he kill all his clothes?
Jay: He sure did. Come upstairs. I'll show you. I got a ring of his with a tooth in it he punched out of a puma.

Mitchell: And, by the way, it's not like your family doesn't have a wayward streak, okay? Pam's not exactly responsible.
Cameron: Oh, I'm sorry. Could an irresponsible woman win her prison's "Most Improved Wrestler" award?

Mitchell: We found a... a magazine in your room.
Lily: Whoa!
Cameron: There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Mitchell: Oh, God, no, not at all. You're... You're going through a very exciting period of... of change and... and hormones. And... And...
Cameron: And, um, urges.
Lily: Got it. Solid parenting. See you tomorrow.

Mitchell: I-I-I know this is uncomfortable, but...
Cameron: You shouldn't be ashamed about wondering or being curious about sex. You know, the mingling of bodies can be a beautiful expression of love.
Lily: Stop! They have classes about this in school, and if you don't want me looking at magazines like that, don't leave them on the sofa!
Cameron: The sofa? How did... How did it get on the sofa?
Mitchell: I don't know. I don't... Ah, the babysitter. Or, you know, Haley, or... or Pam, or Claire. We were just talking about how perverted they are.

Cameron: Wait a minute. This is from 1997. And David Duchovny's on the cover. Didn't you have a thing for David Duchovny?
Mitchell: Why... Wha... I don't even know who that is.
Cameron: He was on the... you know, the cheesy sci-fi show, the, uh... What was it? "The X-Files" or something? You know, kind of a dumbed-down "Men in Black"? They had that saying, you know? Saying was, "The truth is... up there"?
Mitchell: You know damn well it's "The truth is out there"! Don't... Don't you crinkle it.
Cameron: Why do you have a 20-year-old nudie mag?
Mitchell: Agent Mulder meant a lot to me, okay? He was brooding and handsome and obsessed with an uptight yet sexy redhead.
Cameron: Yeah, well, guess what. You wouldn't have had a chance with David Duchovny because, look. One of his turn-offs is "dishonest people."

Claire: What is with all the boxes and the bags?
Haley: Well, I know we said we'd move in when the babies come, but then we thought about all the money we'd save.
Dylan: Mucho dinero.
Claire: Yes.
Haley: You look mad. I should've told you. I was afraid to tell you. I didn't think that I could handle the disappointment [voice breaking] if you weren't happy about it. But you're not unhappy about it, right? Right?!
Claire: Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
Haley: Oh, my gosh, you're the best. I love you so much. [chuckles] Wow! What a journey.

Manny: Jay does this all the time. He disrespects our heritage and inflates his own. I mean, I'm not buying this Uncle Erasmus guy at all. I say we do a little digging.
Gloria: Yes! We can be like Inspector Tortuga, the turtle detective in Uncle Alvaro's popular children's book. He was always very slowly solving crimes.