‘Basketball’
Season 8, Episode 16 - Aired March 8, 2017
Phil is determined to redeem himself on the basketball court at the school's charity game, but he didn't count on being in the presence of NBA legends Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. Gloria volunteers to sell food at the event when her school nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, shames her for not being involved. Meanwhile, Claire tries to cover up a work mistake from her father, while Jay is concerned that Joe doesn't have a healthy fear of him.
Quote from Claire
Claire: [aside to camera] Turns out, the wood doesn't just make people sick. It also kills fish. Well, I couldn't let Dad know I bought murder wood, so I sent Ben to get a replacement fish from the tank in the lobby.
Quote from Claire
Jay: Hey, kiddo, why's your hand wet?
Claire: It's not. It's sweaty. I went to the gym this morning. Fridays, I do legs and hands.
Quote from Jay
Jay: You know, I got a little something stuck in my throat. Give me a slug of that water.
Claire: Oh, no, you don't want this lobby water.
Jay: I just need a sip.
Claire: It's from the fountain, and the warehouse guys put their mouth all over it.
Jay: Just give it to me.
Claire: I can't. [gulps down the cup]
Jay: Oh, my God, you actually did it. Can you feel that thing swimming around in your belly?
Claire: You knew there was a fish in there?
Jay: I saw you toss the other one out.
Claire: [burps]
Jay: You're so afraid of getting caught screwing up, you'd swallow an animal?!
Quote from Jay
Claire: All right, well, we recalled all the bad wood, but that doesn't mean that we didn't screw up. So, go ahead, let me have it. Tear my head off. Tell me how I've disappointed you yet again. [Jay hugs Claire] And what is happening?
Jay: All day long I've been trying to get Joe to fear me. Maybe that's not the best thing for kids.
Quote from Manny
Manny: Well, I made six Dolphin Dollars plus real ones from some weirdo who wanted me to ladle cheese straight into his mouth.
Gloria: Ew. All right, papi, thank you so much, but I still need help attracting customers over there.
Manny: Oh, I can see if Phil has that thing in his car that flails around like this.
Gloria: Claire?
Manny: No, his Tube Dude.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Donna, we have to stop this fighting. A wise man once told me that we resent mirrors that show us what we don't want to see.
Dr. Donna: [scoffs] That's ridiculous. I love mirrors.
Gloria: But the point is that I was mad because you made me see who I really am, and I was shocked to see what I have become.
Dr. Donna: Stop talking. You're sounding human, and I don't like that.
Gloria: I am soft, privileged lady, and I thought that bothered me. Until today, I realized that it doesn't. I don't want to do this. I love my pretty, pretty life. The only thing that makes me feel bad is that I don't really feel bad about it.
Dr. Donna: Thank you so much for opening up to me. I almost started to feel something for you, but then when you said you don't feel guilty, my rage returned tenfold. And I need that rage. It gets me up in the morning.
Gloria: Well, if it helps you, I eat everything I want, and I work out like once a year.
Dr. Donna: You're horrible. [sighs] Oh, thank you.
Quote from Phil
DeAndre Jordan: All right, guys.. Tie game, three seconds left. There's only one thing that they're not gonna be expecting. We're gonna get the ball to Phil.
Phil: What?
DeAndre Jordan: They're not even guarding you. I'm so sure of this play, I just bet Barkley my car.
Phil: Is it a-a Honda?
DeAndre Jordan: No, it's a Phantom with my head as the hood ornament.
Quote from Phil
Claire: Phil, honey, hi! I'm sorry we're late, but at least we're here for the end of the game. I could really use a win on the day I drank a fish.
Phil: Drank like a fish.
Alex: Wow, a bunch of NBA players are tweeting about this bet between Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. And they're live-streaming it, so like 60,000 people are watching.
Phil: Since when do people care about basketball?
Jay: Calm down, Phil. You can do this, pal.
Phil: You choose now to believe in me for the first time?
Quote from Phil
Charles Barkley: Well, well, well... League rules dictate, if a player can't attempt a free throw because of injury, opposing team gets to pick the shooter.
DeAndre Jordan: Right, but you're not a know-it-all.
Charles Barkley: Don't give this anger power. [to Phil] I pick you. Don't choke.