‘Basketball’
Season 8, Episode 16 - Aired March 8, 2017
Phil is determined to redeem himself on the basketball court at the school's charity game, but he didn't count on being in the presence of NBA legends Charles Barkley and DeAndre Jordan. Gloria volunteers to sell food at the event when her school nemesis, Dr. Donna Duncan, shames her for not being involved. Meanwhile, Claire tries to cover up a work mistake from her father, while Jay is concerned that Joe doesn't have a healthy fear of him.
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Can I help you with anything?
Charles Barkley: I'm just going to buy a snack with my last five Dolphin Dollars. I don't want to throw them away. That's how they get you.
Gloria: The nachos are amazing. But do not get anything from the stand that is over there...
Charles Barkley: The hot dog lady? She just said the same thing about you. You two remind me of me and DeAndre Jordan. We have a rivalry, and I don't know why. Maybe in life, we resent people who hold up a mirror and force us to look at the worst in ourselves.
Gloria: I see what you're saying, Charles Barkley.
Charles Barkley: And that's what we call an assist. Hand stamp.
Quote from Joe
Jay: Ow! Oh, I tripped! Enough! How many times have I told you to pick up your toys?
Joe: You're funny! [laughs] Enough! Pick up your toys!
Quote from Gloria
Gloria: Hola, Donna.
Dr. Donna: Did you wander in by mistake? You know they don't sell shoes here.
Gloria: Oh, no, I see you buy a lot of hot dogs. It's so sad when someone just gives up.
Dr. Donna: I'm selling these at the high school charity basketball game. Poor Mrs. Martin. This year we're raising money to get her a new kidney. So, can we count on you?
Gloria: For the kidney?
Quote from Claire
Jay: [on the phone] Can you believe Earl's dum-dum daughter bought wood from those bozos? Of course, when you two were growing up,she was always the slow one. You remember when she thought that balloon was her friend?
Claire: Balloon-da Carlisle.
Jay: [laughs]
Claire: Right. Well, back to it, Dad. See you later. [hangs up] I knew that deal was too good to be true. And now I'm gonna look as stupid as a girl who pet two different class rabbits to death.
Quote from Mitchell
Haley: I mean, do you think it's okay... for your partner to ask you to do... anything?
Mitchell: Mm, no. Not anything anything. I mean, we all have our boundaries. I mean, there are still things I wouldn't ask Cam to do.
Haley: Okay. So, um, Rainer and I were in bed the other night, and...
Mitchell: And?
Haley: And he asked me to do something I'm not totally comfortable with.
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? No... no judgments. Just whenever you're ready.
Haley: So, he was lying on his side, and he said that that was part of it, and then he asked me to c...
Rainer Shine: Haley!
Mitchell: What'd he ask you to do? Quick, write it down on this napkin.
Quote from Phil
Phil: Feels weird to be back here. This gym got the better of me once.
Luke: Dad, you're psyching yourself out.
Phil: You're right. The only thing different between this year and last is I'm prepared this year. And DeAndre Jordan and Charles Barkley are here.
Quote from Cameron
Rainer Shine: Looks like that picture I Instagrammed of the three of us is a big hit with Rainer Nation.
Mitchell: Oh. And is it safe to post your location like that? Aren't you worried about stalkers?
Rainer Shine: Oh, no, it's fine. Most of my followers are just overly excited, love-starved old ladies.
Cameron: [enters] Oh, I see your exclusive tea party opened up.
Mitchell: He just posted that. What, are you circling the restaurant?
Rainer Shine: Hey, Rainer Shine.
Haley: You sat next to him at Thanksgiving.
Rainer Shine: Right! Manny! Sit down. Join us.
Quote from Cameron
Cameron: Well, we have to find out. As her uncles, we need all the information we can so we can advise her properly.
Mitchell: Yeah. She's dating an older man. If she's uncomfortable, it's our duty to protect her.
Cameron: Okay. So we said all that. What could be "ca" be? Hmm? Carrot? Cupping? [gasps] You don't think it could be a Canadian long jump, do you?
Mitchell: Okay, what part would a woman play in that?
Quote from Claire
Ben: Okay, and so the red pins on this map mark all the locations of closets that were made with the toxic wood.
Claire: Okay, and we have recalled out of of the contaminated closets, so we only have to track down one more.
Ben: And since you didn't ask, the green pins are all the addresses of potential fathers of mine.
Quote from Jay
Jay: The kid doesn't fear me as he should, so I brought him in here to show him my scary boss side. Play along.
Claire: Okay.
Jay: Ben, how dumb do you think I am?
Ben: You found out?
Jay: Of course I found out. I know everything.
Ben: [scoffs] It was her idea!
Claire: Ben!
Jay: No, he's doing great. You're in big trouble, mister.
Ben: Jay, I'm so sorry. We were just trying to s...
Jay: Enough! [kicks the trash can] Come on, Joe!
Joe: Enough! [knocks over magazines; laughs]