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Season 5, Episode 20 -  Aired April 23, 2014

The whole family heads down under when Phil follows his mom's wish for him to return to the country where he was conceived. Unfortunately, Phil is in for a rough ridge as he tries to embrace all Australia has to offer. Meanwhile, Jay and Claire let work interrupt their vacation, and Mitchell and Cameron run into an old friend who's made it big on Australian TV.

Quote from Haley

Lily: No, this one! No, this one! I can't breathe!
Haley: Shopping with Lily is the best birth control in the world.
Alex: [scoffs] Yeah. ... But you know it's not, right?


Quote from Luke

Tour Guide: Hey, boys. How would you like to participate in an aboriginal walkabout?
Luke: No, thanks. Why don't you ask those girls over there? This walkabout's for men only.
Manny: Trust me we're not men.
Tour Guide: Sounds like you need this more than anyone. Quick come here.
Luke: Perfect. Now we're wearing makeup.

Quote from Cameron

Mitchell: Oh, my God. Please be cool.
Cameron: I'm always cool. Hello!
Biker: There's some pretty fancy shoes.
Cameron: Thank you?
Mitchell: So, listen, we don't want any trouble, uh, but my my friend and I-
Cameron: "Friend"? Really?
Mitchell: Yeah. We have a little cab problem.
Cameron: Our cab broke down, and we are trying to get to our daughter. The daughter my friend and I have together.
Biker: Well, that ain't right. Daddies should be with their little girls. Seriously, where can I get a pair of them shoes?
Mitchell: He wants your shoes. Give him your shoes.
Cameron: What? All right.
Biker: I don't want your shoes. I want to get me own.
Mitchell: He doesn't want your shoes. Put your shoes on.

Quote from Gloria

Jay: Gloria, stop! Let me explain!
Gloria: Fine but the explanation better not be that this is an important account and you're on a deadline and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
Jay: Oh. Well, I'm gonna need a minute to think.
Gloria: I did not leave Joe, fly across the world, to see you spend all your time working! You're missing the whole vacation!
Jay: You're not the first wife to tell me that.
Gloria: So how many wives need to say it before you listen?
Jay: [seeing Luke and Manny dancing] What's that?
Gloria: I'm not gonna tell you. If you were here, you would know what that is.
[aside to camera:]
Gloria: I don't know what that was. But I was not going to give him the satisfaction.

Quote from Phil

Phil: Ow! Damn it! Why, Australia?! Why?!
Wise Australian: Hey, mate. How's it going?! Everything okay here?
Phil: Not really.
Wise Australian: You don't mind me saying, you look a bit beaten up.
Phil: Yeah. I love your country, but your country doesn't love me back. Australia's rejected me.
Wise Australian: You see this right here? That's from a croc bite. This one here on my back I was hit by a tram in Melbourne. This right here, that's an irregular mole. Should probably get that checked out.
Phil: Uh-huh.
Wise Australian: Point is Australia is nice to tourists, but it's tough on its own people. Congratulations, mate. You're one of us.
Phil: Are you saying what I think you're saying?
Wise Australian: I think I am.
Phil: I'm crocodile Dunphy?
Wise Australian: That's not what I was saying at all.
Phil: Is that a kookaburra, which are born blind, or... [the man has disappeared] Mom?

Quote from Alex

Alex: What is a bridge? It's a connecter, a supporter, and sometimes, it's a metaphor for the love-
Haley: Oh, my gosh! Stop!

Quote from Gloria

Gloria: I feel a little guilty sitting up here without the family.
Jay: I don't.
Gloria: Me, either.

Quote from Phil

Claire: Don't you think it's a little rude that they're sitting up there? I would never do that.
Phil: Boy, you tense up fast after a vacation.

Quote from Lily

Cameron: I swear, that's Hugh Jackman up there. I saw him when we boarded.
Mitchell: I don't think it's him.
Cameron: Oh, well, I'm gonna go find out.
Mitchell: Cam, no. Cam, come on.
Lily: Let him go, or none of us will get any sleep.

Quote from Jay

Cameron: Hey, guys. Just saying hi.
Jay: 'Scuse me. I don't think he belongs up here.

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