Andy: I'm Andy. I'm her Manny - male nanny.
Gloria: Hi, I'm Gloria. This might just sound a little crazy, but I don't think Joan likes me.
Andy: Oh, that's not crazy. She doesn't. Her husband's always staring at you, and she's worried you're gonna steal him.
Gloria: What?!
Andy: [to Joe] Be happy, little guy. This world belongs to you.
Gloria: I would never steal anybody else's man, especially not her fat husband.
Andy: Hey, he's not fat anymore. I helped him lose 30 pounds.

Andy: Careful. If I bring you home scratched, I lose my deposit. I'm kind of a chef, too. Here, try this. It's quinoa. You actually burn calories while eating I-
Gloria: So, Andy, tell me, are you really happy with that Joan?

Jay: [shouting] Gloria, I forgot my towel!
Andy: Here it is. Nice and toasty from the dryer.
Jay: Gloria!
Andy: She ran to the store. Breakfast in 5. Your underpants are pressed and on your bed.
Jay: Gloria!

Andy: Good morning, boss, junior boss. Grab a seat and check it out. Egg-white omelet, high-protein smoothies, then I thought we could put on our running shoes and go-
Jay: I need to cut you off right there, chief. Seems my wife overstepped her bounds. Now, you seem like a nice guy.
Andy: Thanks.
Jay: But I don't think you're the best fit for this house.
Andy: Are- Are you serious?
Jay: I'm afraid so.
Andy: Okay. It was the underpants, wasn't it?
Jay: That didn't help.

Andy: Man, I came on too strong. Gosh dang it! My dad warned me about that when I turned 14. He said, "Son, you're about to be the man of the family. You got to learn to give people time to see how special you are."
Manny: Why were you the man of the family?
Andy: He sort of died.
Manny: How?
Andy: I don't want to bring you down, little man. Neither did my dad. He'd say, "My disease can't be all bad if it rhymes with 'answer.'" [oven chimes] Those are the flaxseed muffins that I just baked. I'll just take them out and get out of here.
Jay: Andy, wait. We're never gonna eat them.

Gloria: No! You make me hire these nannies that I don't like. But when I find one that I like, you fire him?! I am the one that spends most of the time around here! So I get to pick!
Andy: Shh. Sometimes the louder we are, the less we're heard.You're frustrated right now, aren't you?
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Because you feel like they're not hearing you.
Gloria: Yes.
Andy: Well, that's exactly how they feel.

Andy: Life isn't easy. Sometimes we just need a little help. Getting your confidence back, getting on the same page, getting out of your own way. Or just getting moving. And I'm pleased as punch to be the one-
Jay: Okay, this is tough enough without all the yammering!
Andy: Sorry. Whoo!

Andy: Mr. P., I have a confession to make.
Jay: I'm taking a much more interesting confession upstairs.
Andy: After Joe went down, I had a sip of beer by the pool, and a bottle broke. It was me. I did it.
Jay: Don't sweat it. I popped a cold one after dealing with those kids. Sometimes during.
Andy: Thanks, Mr. P. And, hey, be careful up there.
Jay: We are not that close.

Jay: He doesn't even know the party's for him.
Gloria: He understands more than you think. Right, Andy?
Andy: Who, F-Jo here? He is smart as a whip. When we play peek-a-boo, half the time he's ahead of me.
Jay: Not exactly "Clash of the Titans."

Jay: There's my boy.
Andy: I know you're talking to Joe, but that still feels really good to hear.