Cameron: ♪ Watching sports with my feet on the table ♪ ♪ This is the best ♪ ♪ This is the best ♪ ♪ Being alone is the best ♪
[cut to Cameron arriving at Gloria's house:]
Cameron: "Rescue Me."
Gloria: What?
Cameron: That was the name of the TV show I couldn't remember at dinner last week.

Manny: As you can see, I've got a lot of work to do, so...
Sierra: Yeah, we only have another half-hour. I promised my dad I'd get an oil change.
Cameron: Oh, well, Manny can do that.
Sierra: Really?
Cameron: Yeah! Pull your car into the garage. Just be careful not to hit his weight set or his power tools.
Sierra: Wow. That would be awesome.
Manny: Cam, I know you're trying to help, but stop. I'm clueless about cars, and I really don't want her hitting Mom's weight set.

Haley: Why would Dylan change his phone number? Do you know how long it took him to memorize the last one?!

Mitchell: Oh, my God.
Jay: Knock it off!
Mitchell: Mind your own business!
Jay: I would love to. But now I'm wondering if all that gasping is about something I've already read or something coming up!
Mitchell: I'm on page 325.
Jay: Don't tell me that! Now I know there's a gasp coming in 20 pages.

Waiter: Sorry, the Merryvale Ca... uh, doesn't come by the glass. It-it seems like you two know each other. You could split the fish and steak and share the bottle of wine.
Mitchell: Not doing that.
Jay: Never said we were.
Mitchell: This is actually my dad. I came here for some alone time, but he copycatted me.
Jay: He said he wasn't coming because his scary partner said he couldn't.
Mitchell: Scary husband!
Jay: Still hits my ear wrong.

Waiter: Wow. So, you're not even gonna... I-I'm sorry. Uh, just, my dad passed away when I was 10, and I'd love to have dinner with him again.
Mitchell: Oh, Austin. That's so sad.
Jay: Terrible story. Makes you think. Anyway, I'll have a glass of any of the reds.
Mitchell: White for me. Thank you.

Gloria: That was so nice, Cam.
Cameron: Oh, thanks. You look better. And your fever's gone.
Gloria: I don't know what you put in my abuela's potion, but it took care of the fever faster than ever. Look! It even made my teeth whiter, huh?
Cameron: Oh! Wow. Look at that. Here I was beating myself up because I couldn't be alone, and... one could argue that everybody in this house is a little better off because of it.
Gloria: Well, I lost a dress and the house smells like smoke, so I wouldn't be high-fiving myself that much.

Jay: Nobody keeps me on edge for 500 pages then decides they're just done writing. Either end the damn story or don't even write it!
Mitchell: Yes, exactly. God, for a minute, I thought I missed something.
Jay: You did. The chance to read a great book on your one night alone.
Mitchell: Well, at least the steak was good, right? Nice cut. Perfectly cooked. Terrific wine.
Jay: [laughs]
Mitchell: What? What's... what's funny?
Jay: You. The steak, the book... Hell, this whole trip. You're turning into me!

Mitchell: No, no, no. Dad. No, no. Hey. You're turning into me.
Jay: How?
Mitchell: The fact that you stayed with that book at all, which is basically a love story between two men.
Jay: It's a buddy thing!
Mitchell: Oh, please! Buddies don't find that many opportunities to skinny-dip together. Every time they saw a body of water, it was off with the pants, splash!
Jay: Come on. You're just making it worse.
Mitchell: Oh, my God! Your hands! That's what your spa appointment was. You got a manicure.
Jay: It's because Gloria said that my hands were too rough. It was her idea.
Mitchell: Considerate, that's me.
Jay: Running from your family, that's me.

Jay: Ah, I guess it's possible that we both moved... to the center a little.
Mitchell: Yeah, well, it makes sense. It definitely makes things easier between us.
Jay: A little less distance.
Mitchell: Yeah.
Jay: Yeah.