Gloria: Ay! I must have fallen asleep.
Cameron: I don't see how. The fumes coming off of that potion are something else.
Gloria: Yes. When we're done with this, don't throw it out because with a teaspoon, I can clean the swimming pool.

Gloria: Ay, no! No! You used Joe's cape for the smelly thing? You know how important this is for him?
Cameron: No.
Gloria: It goes me, the cape, chocolate chip cookies, and then Jay!
Cameron: Well, can't we just say Jay ruined it, since he's already so far down the list?

Joe: It looks like a monster ate it!
Cameron: Exactly. See? It tells a story. This burn is from when you fought a dragon! A-And these oil stains? Well, they're from when you saved that 18-wheeler from going off a bridge. This is the cape of a superhero who's always there for people in need.
Joe: Wow!
Cameron: Fly away!

Joe: Has anyone seen my cape?
Cameron: Uh, no. What's it look like?
Joe: Like a cape! Sorry. It's just so stressful.

Dylan: Anyway, I just wanted to pick something up that I left here. [drawer opens, Dylan picks up a Rubik's cube] Bam! Oh, wait. Uh... Bam! Your dad did that. Yellow's the hardest side.

Phil: Haley crying about Dylan, Alex freaking out about school, this is like a big déjà vu.
Claire: No, déjà vu is when you imagine that you've seen something before. This is just vu!
Luke: In hindsight, I should have pulled my head out before I nailed the post back in.
Phil: Buddy.
Luke: Live and learn.
Claire: If only you ever did.

Claire: Don't you see what the universe is trying to tell us? We are never gonna reach the next chapter. Luke's not going to college. Haley's gonna grow old in the basement. Alex is just gonna keep coming back to taunt us and use up our tissues!
Phil: I don't think the universe cares that much about us.
Claire: Phil, we tried to run away, and I can still see our chimney from here. It's over. Oh, yeah. This is it. "Welcome... to our life!"

Phil: Sweetheart, I-I am as upset as you are, but since when did anything work out the way we planned? We didn't plan on having Haley. We didn't plan on having Alex. We did plan on having Luke, but we didn't plan on having Luke.
Claire: I'm having a tantrum. And I love our kids, I do. Most of the time, I do. It's just I had this... this picture of how our life would look right now. [sighs]
Phil: This is not that.
Claire: No.
Phil: Yeah. I get it.

Phil: Oh, hello, Claire.
Claire: Hi, honey. I just got back from the most beaut... Oh!
Phil: [on projected video] Oh, indeed. Welcome to your pre-recorded seduction.
Claire: Mama likes!
Phil: Papa knows.
[aside to camera:]
Phil: That's right. I know my wife so well, I was able to anticipate her questions before she asked them.

Claire: Well, this is kind of fun.
Phil: [on projected video] The sexiest? I don't know. The world's a pretty big place. Help yourself to a glass of wine, my love.
Claire: Oh, it's kind of early in the day, but how often do we get the house completely to ourselves?
Phil: Easy, thirsty! I've got plans for you. Hint. this won't be the last time you see me on a sheet today. [snaps fingers] Now you.
Claire: Well, I guess your beautiful lunch will have to wait.
Phil: [door opens] Someone's here! No, Claire!
Claire: What?
Phil: [on video] Yes, Claire. Show me those pretty feet.