Cameron: Okay, can I have everyone's attention, please? Reuben? Hit me with a spot. That's a little harsh. Throw a pink gel on that. That's great. Perfect. All right, I will be recording today's rehearsal, but don't let that make you self-conscious. I'm only using it to pinpoint your mistakes. Secondly, I have granted full set access to Maureen Schick, who will be reviewing your show tonight.
Manny: Oh-oh, she's vicious. Our last music teacher, Mr. Namagachi, never recovered from her article, "Anything blows."
Cameron: But in fairness, I saw that production, and the lead soprano was an absolute disaster. No offense, Sophie. You've blossomed since then, sweetie, okay? No batteries in her mic, okay?

Mitchell: [aside to camera] Running into my dad was no accident. I wasn't the best athlete growing up, and my dad never missed an opportunity to point that out. "Nice throw, Nancy!" Nancy was our neighbor. I could never throw as well as she could. I'd pretty much given up on beating my dad at anything until Pepper dragged me to a golf course one day. Turns out I wasn't half bad. Six months' practice later, I was ready to kick my dad's ass. I knew just how I was gonna do it, too. I'd walk up to the tee all nervous, do a few clumsy practice swings, and then I'd hit that ball dead center, watch it arc through the sky, land on the green, and totally wow my dad.
[cut to Mitchell missing the ball completely:]
Jay: Wow.

Cameron: Well, Marcus is out. But luckily, I found an even better phantom right here.
Manny: I wouldn't say better, but since you did...
Cameron: Luke. I was just about to ask him.
Manny: Luke?
Cameron: He knows the show, he sings like a nightingale, and he has a certain theatrical madness in his eyes you cannot teach.
Manny: That's just from all the paint.

Dylan: [playing guitar and singing] Vermont is snowy Las Vegas is showy And those are the capitals I remember.

Alex: You maybe wanna take a shift carrying this dry ice?
Gloria: No, I just had a baby.
Alex: I've watched you carry Manny to bed.
Gloria: I know what we can do to kill time. My psychic is around the corner.
Alex: Please tell me you just said "sidekick."
Gloria: I used to think that I knew everything, too. We're going for a reading. I'll let her know that we're coming. [holding her fingers to her temple] Um...
Alex: You have got to be kidding me.
Gloria: I'm trying to remember the telephone number.

Gloria: I see that you're smiling. You're enjoying yourself.
Alex: I know it sounds crazy, but could you please tell me what happened to my bunny buttons, who ran away when I was 5?
[aside to camera:]
Alex: Never had a bunny. Hate bunnies.
[back:]
Psychic: I see a farm with a red barn.
Gloria: I know who's in the barn!
[aside to camera:]
Alex: It's like Scrabble with Haley. After a while, you're just playing against yourself.

Haley: Wait. Ice cream might ruin Lily's dinner.
Dylan: So?
Haley: So I spent all afternoon cooking.
Dylan: I thought ice cream would be fun.
Haley: All you've done today is have fun while I did all the work.
Dylan: I'm just trying to make the most of it with these kids. I don't have as much time with them as you do.
Haley: What, by spoiling them? Who's that? Who's texting you?
Dylan: It's just about work.
Haley: Typical. Even when you're here, you're not here.
Dylan: Why are you this upset about ice cream?
Haley: If that's what you think this is about, then you haven't heard a word I've said!
Dylan: I-I'm confused. Why do we even have these kids?
Haley: I don't know!
Dylan: I'm going home!
Haley: Good!

[As Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle plays":]
Mitchell: I should have golfed with you sooner, dad.
Jay: I never made the time.
Phil: Luke!
Pepper: I need to call my son. What time is it in Damascus? Ugh. Why don't I just draw them a map?

Pepper: Did you hear that? And he wasn't just talking to Phil. He was talking to 10-year-old you and 12-year-old you and...
Mitchell: Suck it, Nancy!
Pepper: [gasps] I was just trying to help.

Gloria: If you're going to be a grump all day, why did you even say that you were going to teach him?
Jay: Because he's how my grandkids get food.